Midlife Dating for 40+ - Boomers & Seniors
Midlife Dating for Men & Women: What are the Rules?
>> Mid-Life and Looking for a Guy? Here's Help.
Are all the "good ones" married? Are men your age only interested in women 20 years younger? Is it "impossible" to meet men?
Okay, although logic never convinces anyone of anything, let's counter some of these silly ideas.
Yes, many good ones are married, but half of them will be divorced sooner or later.
Some men are interested in women 20 years younger. It rarely works out and some men have to learn this the hard way. You can catch one when he's finally gotten a clue, if you're patient. My friend Sheila did.
Is it impossible to meet men? Only if you're determined it is.
He's looking for you just as hard as you're looking for him, but he's not going to come knock at your door? I know men who've called long-lost loves, sometimes after 40 years. A telephone or email works fine and it can happen. If you heard the stories I hear as a coach, you'd know that anything's possible.
I was in marketing for many years, and it occurred to me that what you need is a marketing plan. If I were marketing an apartment complex, here's what I'd do: Interview the owner to find out what her goals were. Check out the curb appeal. Find out what the amenities were. Do a quick study of the competition. Write up a marketing plan, applying the fundamentals.
Now for the fun part - let's apply this to you and your search for Mr. Right.
You're 40+ - forty or more - fortysomething...
WHAT YOU WANT?
What are you looking for in a man? Be specific. Make a list. Actually write it down. When you know what you want, you attract it. Write down the traits, qualities, values, appearance and so forth.
CURB APPEAL
In the apartment industry, "curb appeal" means what the place looks like when you first drive up. So do an honest assessment of your curb appeal - what do they see when they look at you? Sometimes all you get is a first impression.
Do a makeover. If you need to, get a new hairstyle, get in top shape, get your nails done, and take a look at your wardrobe. Men fall in love with their eyes.
Work on your smile and your eye contact. A coach can give you tips on this. You want your inner light to shine. This means you must work on your attitude. Learn some optimism. It can be learned and you don't need a reason. Not only will you feel better, but you'll be more attractive to other people.
THE AMENITIES
At an apartment complex, that's ceiling fans and hot tubs. For you, take a look at what you bring to a relationship. I'm not talking about material things, I'm talking about things that really matter. Make a list of all your good qualities. Zero in on two things that are unique to you and exceptional about you. Keep these in mind and project them.
THERE IS NO COMPETITION
Keep in mind abundance - there's someone for everyone, and the goal is to find a good fit, in which case, it really isn't a competition.
However, if you're a bit rusty, take a look around you when you're out because you want to be current. Make sure your curb appeal is up-to-date.
Watch other women when they're flirting; there's a style to that as well. It will help you get in the zone to watch some women in action. Brush up on your flirting skills. Smile. Catch his eye. Work up some friendly opening lines to have handy.
THE PLAN
You know how they say "multiple income streams"? Well, you're going to need multiple outgoing streams. Your plan is to meet new people. The good thing about this is that you'll collect friends and adventures, maybe even clients or a new job whatever else happens, so none of this is wasted.
Get out, attend, join and participate. If the doors are open, and people will be there, YOU be there. Assuming that you work, you have the noon hour, evenings and weekends.
Now here are some suggestions - and do them ALL:
·Join singles clubs and participate.
·Join and get active in a faith organization
·Go to any event open to the public - chamber of commerce, fundraising, Fun Runs, political, galas.
·Join the online dating services such as eharmony.
·Let your friends and family know that you'd like some introductions to nice single men they know
·Be open to possibilities when you're out at the mall, grocery, and sporting goods store. Pay some visits Home Depot. Look like you're lost, and if you see a cute guy, ask him about torque wrenches.
·Join some sports places. Word has it workout gyms are not a good place to look (for either sex), but someone I know met a great guy when she was taking SCUBA diving lessons.
·Volunteer! And volunteer to do things that put you in a strategic location. My favorites are staffing the nametag table and serving as hostess or greeter. Everybody who enters must pass by me.
·Build a house with Habitat for Humanity. Mid-life guys love manual labor.
·Consider a goofy now-and-then job like doing the food demos in the grocery store on Saturday afternoon. Notwithstanding the silly "hat", you'll be in a prime position to look 'em over and hook 'em in. Or stock books in a bookstore one evening a week if you like guys who read. ·Take your dog walking in different parks, especially Saturday mornings.
So there's your plan. Now approach it with enthusiasm and determination and remember to include all these things in your mix. Good luck!
>> Internet Dating for the Midlife Fortysomething Woman.
Midlife dating is definitely a "numbers game" and here's why. The only way to do this is to get in there and start doing it. If you have been married a long time, you'll find men at this age (whatever age you're at now) are different. Dating on the Internet can help you get back into circulation. Some even often online "speed" dating, where you can make contact with several men on the same evening.
If you're serious about finding a new guy, no doubt you're getting out in your own community, have joined singles, activities and religious groups, are taking dancing lesson, pursuing your usual hobbies and interests, and letting others know you're ready to date again. The Internet is "what else" you can do.
The Internet offers two opportunities you may not have thought of. First of all, there are plenty of pornography and sex sites on the Internet and the guys know where they are. Therefore, many of the men on dating sites are truly interested in dating, long-term commitment, friendship, and marriage.
Secondly, certain aspects of Internet dating favor the non-aggressive man with honest intent. Using an Internet dating site takes time. If he's desperate and needy (emotionally or sexually), he won't take the time to fill out an Internet form and start emailing, but will head for the local dive where he knows he can find what he's after immediately.
It also gives the less-assertive man a slow way to get to know a woman. He may be an introvert, or simply new to dating and unsure of himself, and can get himself better grounded on the Internet. You may catch him just at the right time.
How to begin? Take a look at some of the different sites and get a feel for them. Particularly pay attention to how the profiles are set up. Here are some things you'll want to make sure of:
1.The profile tells you the kind of things about someone you need to know 2.Your anonymity is protected 3.A photo is available 4.There is way to block or permanently end contact with someone 5.They attempt to screen undesirables. No guarantee but at least, for instance, they say they forbid married people, felons, pornography, hate, etc.
Bear in mind there are no guarantees on the Internet you won't meet a louse, pervert, felon, liar, or promiscuous married man. There are no guarantees about this in real life, either. There are some obvious clues to watch for: refusing to share a photo, using foul language, asking for money, being domineering, moving too fast, preoccupation with sex, inappropriate site names such as "SexTrain," signs of desperation, or being inconsistent or evasive about details.
The best rule of thumb is if it makes you feel uneasy, use the "delete" key. You begin with email correspondence, so take your time. You'll get quicker about catching on to bad signs as you practice.
Always remember to protect yourself. Don't give your personal email address or home phone number until you're reasonably sure. Never agree to meet someone in a remote or peculiar location. If in doubt, don't. If it's good, it will stand the test of time.
The best way to begin is to make a list about your expectations - not just their age and appearance, but their conduct. Then work with a coach to brush up on your skills and provide valuable feedback. When you set up your profile, be honest about your personal habits, lifestyle, and what you're looking for in a man. When you learn something that works, stick with it. For instance if you read someone's profile that's worded better than yours, go back in and tweak yours.
Men's first attraction is visual (physical), so get a good recent photograph of yourself. Some people are more photogenic than others, but it's unfair to use a photograph that's 5 years old, or that represents you before gaining or losing 30 pounds. Be proud of who you are, represent it as best you can, and hope the man does the same.
For more tips, including how to identify a married man early-on, see my ebook, "Midlife Dating Survival for Women."
I can only understand men by a mental sleight-of-hand, like an analogy, but of course I've studied and had practice because my life is full of men and I also coach men. I get to hear what's on their minds and in their hearts.
This is about men and midlife dating. We're going to look at the research (and you can see if it's true for you), and about what works and what doesn't.
Having a great relationship takes emotional intelligence (EQ), and EQ begins with self-awareness. So here we go!
YOUNGER WOMEN
80% of you guys supposedly prefer to date women who are younger than you, and the older you are, the more younger you want the woman to be.
This fact is not popular with middle-aged women and causes tension. There are less eligible men to begin with, and only 20% want someone their age. Also, her husband may have run off with a younger woman. You may be empathic about this situation, but don't do what some men do and tell her, "I want you to know I don't date young women. I want a woman with something between her ears." Though an attempt to reassure, it painfully accomplishes the opposite, like saying, "Trust me."
It would be like her saying to you, "I know half the men over 40 have erectile dysfunction, so don't worry. It's okay with me if you use Viagra."
Ouch. Get it?
Leave it alone. Just enjoy her and let it show. There are plenty of other things to talk about. She'll find out how you feel about age by watching you, and she can take care of her own end of it.
If you do go there, which I don't recommend, phrase it this way: "women younger than I am."
If you ogle young women in her presence, you deserve what you get.
ARM CANDY AT THE ALTAR
Do older man/younger woman marriages work? We know 60-70% of second marriages fail, but I can't find any statistics on the fate of May-December marriages. I'm afraid this might be the reason why: We only do research on things we can't predict.
To be fair no one's studied the success rate of marriages where the woman marries for money. However, "rich" is hard to quantify, while "age" is one of statistics' favorite measures.
Of course if you want children, you will need a woman of child-bearing age. If you want children, know at your core why you do. It is seriously wrong to bring a human being into the world only to prove you still can, or to regain your youth.
EYE CANDY
Men fall in lust, I mean love, visually. When he says why he loves her, the man mentions her appearance, or rejects her on the same basis.
However, an AARP survey found that men value different things in a "date" than in a "partner." For both sexes, personality and compatibility come first for both date and partner, but men rate appearance and sexual compatibility higher for a date than for a partner. These are smart men. They know that a fun date may not make a good partner.
Men dating on the Internet demand a photo. They can't wait to get to the 'meeting her' stage, holding back until they've laid eyes on this woman they've been corresponding with. They're furious when they find the photo has misled them, but all photos do. They want to see her and get that zing. Is this true of you?
However, if we're lucky, we mature with age. One man who conducted a 4-month courtship via the Internet told me with wonder that it was "like falling in love from the inside out."
You might consider this concept as a formula for a viable relationship. Whatever you see in the woman LITERALLY is going to change. She may get wrinkles, her hair may turn white, she may gain or lose weight.
Whatever you see in the woman FIGURATIVELY is likely not to change. A woman of character has built it the hard way by the time she's 50. If she's loving, compassionate, faithful, patient, resilient and stable, it's there to stay.
If you can't "see" the things you can't see and touch, you are going to fall in love with a figment of your imagination.
Or, you'll get burned. "I guess I've got to quit messing around with hotties," one man told me, and he wasn't all that sad about it. He reached his own conclusion, so I assume he learned it the hard way.
"What she's like" means how she feels about herself, how she treats others and you and your relationship, what her values, ethics and standards are, what she believes in, what her priorities are, what gives her life meaning, and how compatible her interests are with yours. This you learn by being with her and observing her in different situations with different people across time, and I don't mean observing her booty.
The gentleman who was discovering "falling in love from the inside out" had had a series of relationships with much younger women that had imploded. Although I left it to him to connect his own dots, he had fallen in love with them from the outside in. Forced by the constraints of the Internet and a woman with good timing, he had inadvertently stumbled on doing something different, and it had a happy ending.
IT COMES AROUND
When another man had found the woman he wanted to marry, he told me, "She wasn't much fun to date. She was responsible about her kids and parents, her home and her job. She was always involved with them. But when I got on the inside of that it was okay."
That may be the understatement of the year.
FEELINGS
It's more difficult for men to know what they're feeling and to express it. It can take a man hours to figure out what he was feeling at the time. When it all gets to be too much, you go into your cave.
Expect this to be understood. Women at midlife know a lot more about men. They know this concept of "going into the cave." Great! You no longer have to explain what you can't explain or you wouldn't be going to your cave.
In fact, some man whose name I can't recall wrote an article about why he preferred women over 40, and said, paraphrased: 'They don't wake you up at night to find out what you're thinking. She doesn't care what you're thinking.'
You, of course, will reciprocate by letting her talk about her feelings and not trying to "fix" them, right?
BAGGING THE BIG ONE
When these "hunters" who talk to me find the one for them, this is the language they use: comfortable, safe, joy, trust, comfort, coming home, soul-mate, and heart's darling.
This is not thrill and zing and sexy legs language. This is language about a solid foundation you can build a life around.
Think about it.
While some people say "there are no rules" in the game of life, I think it's the opposite. There are always rules, and you have to figure them out as you go along.
There are no rules in the sense that you don't have to follow them, following them doesn't guarantee good results, and they don't apply to everyone.
You can also follow all the rules but personalities and emotions get in the way. For instance in school, you probably learned the unfair fact of life that you could be the best student, but you might not get the best grades if the teacher didn't like you. That's a meta-rule.
Meta-rules are the rules about rules. To say "there are no rules" is a meta-rule.
It will be helpful if you arm yourself with some meta-rules before you begin dating again. Here are a few. There are more in my ebook, "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women."
1.Use good manners. Then no matter what happens, you'll still feel good about yourself.
Now you need to get the lay of the land.
1.All-singles affairs aren't the best way to meet potential dates. It's too forced and the male:female ration is always askew. Attend them, but not exclusively.
One last thing that hasn't changed: if they don't write, don't call, they just aren't that into you. Sad, but not the end of the world. Put a smile on your face and throw your hat back in the ring. Someone is hoping you'll find them one sweet day!
True love is something else that never changes.
True Love: Who Took the Romance Out of Dating?
>> Who Took the Romance Out of Dating?
Do you know how to date? I'm not talking about calling up someone and asking them out. I'm talking about really dating. Romancing the other person. Whoever took it out needs to put it back in! We need it.
Dating … we set a date for a doctor's appointment, a tennis game, a court hearing, a wedding. Ah hah! It implies intention; that something important enough is going to happen that you've put in on your calendar, and not just penciled in.
Dating rituals seem to be falling by the wayside, and I'm not sure it's for the best. The purpose of dating hasn't changed, has it? To meet someone of the other sex? Well that's what we say, but we're hoping it will work out, meaning we'll get along, hit it off, become a couple, enjoy time and kisses together, eventually marrying.
It's all about possibility. It's all about mystery. Expectations, met or dashed. Dreams coming true. Love. Romance.
So what are the elements needing to be present?
The first is the time-thing. After all it's datING, meaning it's going to go on for a while. I'm reminded of a conversation I heard between a friend of mine, Carrie, and her younger sister. We were listening to some song on the radio about anticipation … getting faint at the thought of making love with someone, dying of longing, that sort of thing.
"How come that never happened to me?" said Carrie.
"It's because you always jumped right into bed with them," said her older sister.
There's something to be said for letting the tension mount, about letting the other person fantasize for a while.
Meanwhile, build a little illusion. Back in my college days, we actually had co-ed dorms. The guys never saw us with our hair in rollers or without our makeup. They never saw our messy rooms. No, it wasn't realistic, but that's sort of what it's all about … something nearly perfect, something staged, something special.
After all, there's a time to experience your knight in shining armor unshaven, with bad breath, farting under the sheets, but it can wait. You have to fall in love with him before you can tolerate these things!
There's no need to worry about realism showing up. There will always be plenty of floors to mop, dirty diapers to change, and spreadsheets to type. It's the fantasy-moments that are in short supply.
A little illusion is part of it. I don't mean lying about your alcoholism or marital status. I mean making it a little bigger than life. Once you've chosen a good candidate, take the time and effort to make something out of it; this mirrors the energy you'd be willing to put into a commitment, a marriage. Dress up, put on the cologne or after-shave, buy a new pair of shoes. Be on time. It shows you think it's important.
Use your emotional intelligence. Let the anxiety and excitement be a part of it. Don't jump the gun. We want what we can't have. We appreciate what we have to work for. We devalue something that comes easy. We ignore what's plentiful.
Be willing to endure - in fact learn to enjoy - the uneasy feelings. Will he like me as much as I like him? What will she be like in bed? He hasn't called in 2 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes; is it over? Will she go away with me for a weekend if I ask?
Rushing into bed, demanding early commitments, whining for reassurance, and revealing the blemishes before the blushes is wishing it all away. That's why people have affairs after all - for the newness, the intrigue, the mystery, the suspense and the wooing. Buckingham and Clifton call WOOing, Winning Others Over. We act like we don't like it, but there's no greater thrill than working to win someone else over and having a little trouble with it. After all, think about an arranged marriage: "Here, Matthew. Here is your bride." You miss the hunt, but with the hunt comes the uncertainty.
Men need to go through the drill. They need to pursue and be thwarted and then to win. And we women? We need to be courted. Why? Because we're that way.
I was listening to two other dating friends the other day. One of them was in high angst! "He hasn't called this week," Anne was saying. "I'm afraid he's gone back to his ex-wife. I adored him. We had a great time. I hate this. I HATE IT!"
"Enjoy it," said Melanie, who's been married a year now. "It's the good part."
Hundreds of books have been written about dating, and thousands of songs have been written about falling in love. It's a delicious craziness, if done right. We meet, the chemistry good and the magic starts. We put on the rose-colored glasses. Our bodies are pumped full of dopamine, or whatever it is, and we grin, look starry-eyes, love everyone and love life, love ourselves, love … love … love.
Don't get so focused on the goal, you forget to enjoy the process. Yes you will eventually get her to bed. Yes he will eventually marry you. In the meantime, remember some of the fundamentals, and have a good time!
1.Flowers, candy, candles, sunsets - add all the beautiful touches
2.Talk romantic. Read some poetry for some ideas. No woman will complain if you tell her she's always on your mind and in your heart.
3.If you're serious, make it a date, pick her up, be on time, and you pay. If you're not serious, don't call me! Meeting her at the theater, or planning to run into her at the club are NOT the same thing. Going dutch treat signals either friendship, or confusion, which is worse.
4.Give each other small, meaningful gifts. Booking a restaurant just for the two of you and filling the room with fresh roses is for movies. Fortunately most of us can't afford it, because it's "protesting too much." It smacks of low self-esteem. A single red rose, given with confidence and a deep look into her eyes goes a lot further.
5.Be you, but be the best you. Clean up your car, your stinky socks, your language and your behavior. You know what I mean! If not, read Emily Post or get some coaching.
6.Give your date your full attention. There is nothing we crave more. I've asked to be taken home when the guy answered his cell phone at dinner. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has.
7.Use manners. If you're the guy, open the door for her, pull out her chair at the restaurant, hold out your arm and usher her into a room. If you're the woman, let him do this and then show your appreciation.
8.Don't be easy. Don't be easy falling into bed, of course, but also don't be easy about revealing everything about yourself. Allow some mystery and some waiting. It will mean more in the end. We value what is scarce, what is hard to get.
9.If you're a woman, put him through his traces. If you don't expect anything special from him, you won't get it when dating, and it will be worse once you're married. Make it clear nothing about you is to be taken for granted.
10.What shouldn't be taken for granted? Not who you are, that's a constant, but I mean the special things you do to honor someone else. That you open the door for her should never be taken for granted. That you cook a delicious meal at your home and set a romantic table for him is not your "role," it's you being good to him, and should be appreciated.
In sum, it's about time, and art. Take your time, and also take THE time. Time is our scarcest commodity and how you parcel it out shows what you value. Give your time and full attention to all the elements of dating and to the person.
It's an art. Set the stage. You now how when a jeweler wants to sell you a diamond, he carefully takes out a small square of black velvet with a flourish, then places it under beautiful lighting, and gently lays the ring on it? Every gesture, and every part of the presentation is about this is a very valuable thing I am going to show you. I value it and I'm showing you this by how I treat it. Watch me. So don't leave out the flourishes, the special touches, the single rose, the coy peck on the cheek with a promise of more and better to come. Whatever your ultimate goal in dating, make the process long and memorable.
And P.S. Keep it up after your married.
>> Assessing the Guy's Long-term Potential on a Date.
These are tried and true. I have listened to hundreds of women talk about their dating experiences and horrors and when you've heard that many, you can see patterns.
One mistake many women make is to get into wishful thinking and give the guy too many second chances. Any guy who's mature enough to be dating, and emotionally intelligent enough to be emotionally available for a relationship (not just a booty call) should have certain things mastered. There are no excuses, and no exceptions.
No, you don't want to excuse him because he's (1) tired, (2) been hurt, (3) newly divorced, (4) awful cute, (5) very sexy, or (6) anything else.
If you hear bad noises at the beginning of the ride, it is only going to get worse. It's like hearing a rattle in the engine, and then 3 months later the transmission drops. Pay attention to those early warning signs.
Build up enough bad experiences and it can sour you. Who needs it? In emotional intelligence, we talk about "what fires together wires together." This is about brain science. If you have 3 relationships where it goes bad, those wires tend to get hooked together, and it means more will come. So take care of yourself. Wire up good experiences!
Here are some things to watch out for:
1. Not being mature about sex.
The big question is when, and that's a personal matter. If he doesn't respect your wishes, he isn't mature enough to be in a relationship, or isn't really interested in one. In other words, if it seems like that's all he's interested in, that's all he's interested in. Make sure you're reading on the same page about the intimacy if you get involved. You don't want it to mean something to you, and mean nothing to him.
2. Ogling other women when with you.
There is simply no excuse for this. It is the poorest of dating etiquette. If he can't control himself to avoid this (I don't care if "that's the way men are"), he doesn't have what it takes to have a relationship.
3. He doesn't seal the deal.
If he is taken with you on the first date, he should ask you for another date, preferably then, or the next day. He should certainly give you evidence that he enjoyed it - a txt msg or phone message the next day. If he waits too much longer, he isn't that interested and he's just calling you because he's found time on his hands, and doesn't know what else to do with himself, or he's ambivalent. What we're looking for here is honest enthusiasm.
4. Don't do that yourself.
Let him do the pursuing. If you enjoyed his company you will have indicated this on the date - it's hard to hide when you're really have a good time. But don't you be the one to txt msg the next day or call. And if he calls or emails, wait a while before you answer. (A man ready for a realtionship, loves the thrill of the hunt. Don't deprive him of this.)
5. Excessive flattery regarding your looks.
It's nice to hear you're beautiful or gorgeous or sexy. Once. Maybe twice. More than that and he's either that shallow, or he's saying what has worked for him in the past to seduce women. He should move rapidly to talking about inner qualities, interesting movies, the scenery, or something of mutual interest. Complimenting you on other qualities is nice, too - like how organized you are, or how well you've thought something through. You aren't just your body and you need to be getting evidence that he knows this. Otherwise, send your boobs to dinner and you stay home.
6. He's not a good conversationalist.
Marriage, I always say, turns out to be an 8-hour car ride with no radio. Hardly likely these days, but you get my point. This includes showing a sense of humor. Conversations need to be guided, and he should be able to do this as well as you can. They should also be give-and-take, with true interest in what the other person is saying. He should not talk AT you or deliver a lecture. This shows ego-centrism, lack of social skills, or both. It won't get any better. Marriage is also that car ride and you get a flat. Watch carefully how he handles little problems (wrong menu item, getting lost) during your date.
7. He talks about his ex, his broken heart and other traumas.
Stringers are usually ambivalent. They've been hurt and the wounds are still running sores. They don't want a relationship, they just want a woman (any woman) to ease the pain. They don't really know what they're doing except for wanting sympathy. If you feel a pull to be his therapist or his mother, or to "fix" him, resist it. If he can't talk about anything else but his sad past and heartbreak, do NOT mistake this for "vulnerability." What he is doing is talking about himself. He is not available and he is also extremely selfish.
8. He has only one functioning "brain."
And you know which one I'm talking about! Look for a man who is interested in relating to you both mentally and emotionally, not just physically.
9. He is too agreeable.
On the other hand, if he agrees with everything you say, he's trying to get you into bed. Easy is sleazy. Look for a man self-confident enough to have opinions (that he knows are opinion, not gospel truth). This applies too, to setting up the next date. If he can't orchestrate this, making the plans and showing initiative, there's something wrong. This is the tricky part if you've been married before, because it is true - once you're married, the woman does all this. But if he's just out of a marriage and still in that mindset, he isn't ready to date. He has to show you he's standing squarely on his own two feet, and willing and able to do the work of dating (i.e., a relationship).
These are just a few tips of what to look for on the first couple of dates that can be helpful.
Midlife Boomer Dating & Married Men and Women
>> WANTED: Hot Older Women - Over 40 - Over 50 - over 60
There's a young and good looking maintenance man in my senior citizens development that not only services the apartments, but also is the primary lover to over three hundred elderly women.
With hardly any healthy men available, he has no competition and goes about his business making love to at least five women a day. He not only is a strong lover, but also a gigolo since he receives tips from all the women he makes love with. It is rumored that one woman gives him fifty dollars every time he pays her a visit. He has become so wealthy on his job that he shows up to work in a new Mercedes, and has bought himself a house.
He claims that older women are just as passionate as younger ones. They just have to be awakened from a deep sleep. Since most of them are widows they have not had a man in their bedroom since their husband passed away. Now that they have been awakened they are constantly calling the maintenance department for service, but he is very busy and can’t handle all the calls. He has had to hire two helpers who respond to the low tippers, and he has kept the more generous women for himself.
It is a myth that women past the age of fifty lose their sexual drive, they only have lost the chance to be with a passionate and capable lover. They look as if they have gone to sleep, but when they are awakened by the right guy, they become a dynamo of sexual energy. Since they are not afraid of becoming pregnant, and are not inhibited, they become a great sexual companion.
It takes a young man to awaken our sleeping beauty, only they have the sexual intensity that is required. A young man can spend the whole evening making love, and that might be required by a woman that has been asleep for many years. Once she is awakened she will fall madly in love with the prince that pulled her out of that deep sleep. They can become the ideal couple if the young man feels the same way.
Young lovers are available for older women, but they are hard to find. The quickest way to get one would be by advertising. An ad placed in the local newspaper asking for a male room-mate in exchange for light house keeping is sure to get you many applicants. Be honest with the men that reply and I am sure you will have the right lover in your bedroom, enjoy him, you deserve to be happy!
Only about 1% of married men who have affairs leave their wives, and many men cheat on their wives. With the Internet, there's even more chance to be elusive in the early stages.
Of course you're concerned and want to know if that guy you just met who's coming on to you so delightfully is married before you get involved. But how can you be sure he isn't married and just fooling around?
Make no mistake, married men who are fooling around can be wonderfully attentive and romantic. He can be emailing you and calling you on his cell all day long, filling your hungry heart with the wildest affirmations you've ever dreamed of, showering you with gifts, and making rapturous love to you when you get together.
It can be the stuff of which fantasies are made and here's why: to him it IS a fantasy.
If you've experienced it, you'll wonder how a man could do that to his wife. That's a topic for another article. Meanwhile, it's important not to delude yourself.
Here are 10 ways to know he's cheating on his wife:
1.You're suspicious. If you generically suspect every man you meet of this, it's a prejudice and not worth much. However, if you suddenly get suspicious about the individual man you're dealing with, then trust your instincts. Where there's smoke there's fire. 2.His tone of voice gets guarded or he won't make eye contact and is evasive when certain topics come up like family, children, vacations, where he lives, etc.
3.He insists that all contact be on his terms only. He gives some reason why you must only call him at work or on his cell. Disregard the "reason." They can be ingenious about this and if you're love-daffy, you'll find a way to rationalize his particular excuse. Don't. 4.You ask for his home phone number and he refuses to give it to you. Again, disregard the "reason." 5.His heart's not on the line. You sense an imbalance of vulnerability, and this is intuitive. When two available people are dating, both presumably are anxious for it to work out, and are equally at-risk. When you're playing for keeps and he's just playing, he won't care as much about how you're getting along. He has the security of the marriage and nothing to lose but an exciting good time.
6.There's a white line on the fourth finger of his left hand, a tan-line from where his wedding ring usually is, and is not when he's with you. Or there's the outline of a ring in his shirt pocket.
7.He isn't fully disclosing when it would seem appropriate. He alludes to "things he'll tell you about later." 8.He gives strange reasons for not wanting to go to certain places (like your favorite restaurant). You first met him at a dance hall (where he's known and someone might tell his wife) and after that every place he takes you to is in another county. (There's a part of town he definitely avoids. Guess why?)
9.He seems strangely addicted to paying for restaurants, motels, resorts, and airplane tickets in cash rather than by credit card.
10.He is never available on Sundays. In some cultures, and with many men, Saturday night may be Boys Night Out, but Sunday is strictly "family time." Ditto for holidays. This is part of that peculiar male honor code: OK to cheat. But not on July 4th. That's family time.
Your surest guide is your gut instinct. Keep three meta-points in mind.
POINT ONE: What he says and doesn't say. Anything you sense as secretive should set off alarms. Lovers in a developing relationship disclose more as time goes by. The married gigolo discloses up to a point and that's it.
POINT TWO: His "aplomb." No matter how self-confident a man is, if he's available and romancing a woman he cares about, he'll show moments of anxiety and confusion. But a married man who's dating is coasting. With the security of a wife back home, what's to stress over?
POINT THREE: The sex is the best you've ever had. Nothing stokes a man's fire like forbidden love unless it's forbidden love that carries no threat of the "c" word.
Keep your head about you. If you find out he's married and confront him about it and he says he'll divorce her, don't count on it. The odds are strongly against you.
Looking for a rich guy on the Internet? Make sure he likes to listen to music that is Upbeat and Conventional - like country, sound tracks, religious, and pop.
Looking for a hot chick? Avoid the one who likes opera or classical music. (Assuming you define "hot" as "physical attractiveness.") Looking for trouble? Rock, alternative, and heavy metal.
However, be prepared for that rich guy who likes upbeat and conventional music to also be emotionally unstable, not open to experience, domineering ("social dominance orientation"), conservative, dumb and have low verbal ability. But not depressed!
As we sort of innately know, it turns out that someone's musical taste is one of the quickest and surest ways to find out what they're like, sight unseen. It turns out, according to recent papers by Rentfrow and Gosling, two social psychologists, taste in music is the most often discussed topic between people getting to know one another on the Internet, and that we aren't fools - it's pretty good at telling you what the person will be like.
They don't mention compatibility, but for those of us seeking compatibility along with our "love," I don't know about you, but when I find a guy who likes the same music I do, to the same degree, I feel like I've found a soul-mate.
As opposed to cognitive psychologists, social psychologists haven't give much attention to the study of music - only 7 key articles on it published between 1965 and 2002 in leading social psych. Journals (out of about 11,000 articles).
Well, our heroes, P. J. Rentfrow and S. D. Gosling set about to remedy this. First they asked people how well they thought a person's taste in music revealed what they were like, and most lay people said only "hobbies and activities" revealed more. TV, books and movies were way down the list, with TV revealing the least. This held true for what the person thought it revealed about him/herself, and about others.
Then they developed a questionnaire called STOMP (Short Test of Musical Preference) and came up with the following categories of preference:
1. Reflective and Complex (Jazz, blues, classical and folk) 2. Upbeat and Conventional (country, sound tracks, religious and pop) 3. Energetic and Rhythmic (rap, hip/hop, soul and funk, electronica and dance) 4. Intense and Rebellious (rock, alternative and heavy metal)
When they administered STOMP along with personality measures, the results were quite revealing. For instance, Reflective and Complex was positively correlated with openness to experience, self-perceived intelligence, verbal ability, emotional stability, and political liberalism, but negatively correlated with social dominance orientation, political conservatism, wealth and athleticism.
Other categories in the personality profile were physical attractiveness, depression, agreeableness, extraversion, conscientiousness, self-esteem, and so forth. Pretty much covers the whole deal and they found that music preference did, indeed, reveal information about personality differences.
Then, and this is what's important to us Internet daters - they set about testing to see if the average joe uses this information when getting to know someone. This is kind of a big DOH - I know I do. Don't you? If you've ever lived with someone (like teens, ha ha) you know that their taste in music (and even if they don't like any music, and you do) can make or break your daily life. After all, political discussions can only go on for so long, but music can be the background fabric of your very life (see Club Vivo Per Lei - I live for music - www.susandunn.cc/vivoperlei.htm )
Well, they paired up folks on an on-line bulletin-board system, both same-sex and opposite-sex. And this is what 's really amazing. It turned out that while they could talk about anything they thought would acquaint them bets, music was more often discussed than all other activities combined. Hey! We're smarter than we look! It wasn't until the 6th week of participation, that the amount of time they spent talking about all other things (ALL OTHER THINGS) equaled their discussion of music.
Were they just talking about what they love, or were they trying to find a match - or is it the same thing?
Not trusting us (ha ha) Rentfrow and Gosling then proceeded to test the accuracy of these perceptions and found they were quite accurate. In sum, it looks like if you aren't talking about music with the person you're thinking about pairing up with, you're missing the major clue to their personality. And it's my personal interjection here, as a dating coach, that you are also missing a major clue to your compatibility; and as an emotional intelligence coach, a major clue to their emotional intelligence.
So how about "What's your favorite CD?" instead of "What's your sign?"
It's a thought.
- Susan Dunn, MA, EQ and Dating Coach, www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Susan consults and coaches emotional intelligence and its applications - dating, stress, balance, retirement, career, wellness, success. Email for free ezine. To read more articles by Susan and go to her website, go here: How to tell if he is ready for a real loving relationship
>>> How to Make Your Husband Attracted to You - Again
Attraction comes in a bundle. It's not just about the way you look on the outside but it is about your personality, outlook and appearance combined. Yes there is the fact that some people let themselves go completely and that can be very unattractive to a spouse but more often than not it is a combination of things that causes attraction to fade and repulsion to take its place.
Here's a small list of qualities and habits that makes people unattractive to other people including their spouse.
- They complain more often than not.
- They whine more often than not.
- They put themselves down.
- They put others down.
- They accuse others of ridiculous things.
- They demand things go their way and pout when it doesn't.
- They wear a frown more than a smile.
- They can always see the bad side of every situation.
- They worry excessively.
- They are two faced.
- They lie.
- They seem to care only about themselves and their feelings without taking into considerations other people.
- They let themselves go and do not take care of themselves anymore.
There are many conventionally attractive women that carry these qualities with them and have either gotten a divorce or are having some other problem in their relationship.
The thing is that most people start relationships being happy and seeing everything in a positive light. The excitement that came from the two of you about your present and future drew you even closer together. You need to find your way back there.
Changing these things is not just about pleasing other people and making them see you in a good light. Reaching to be happier is about taking care of yourself and making you see yourself in a good light.
When you start working on these issues you become a happier person. You see the beauty in things instead of the ugly in almost everything. When you see beauty you add even more happiness to your life. People want to be around you and naturally gravitate towards your positive spirit.
Your husband will see you for the gem that you are. They way he saw you when you first got together.
He'll see the woman who sees things in a positive way and makes him feel good about himself and your life together. The future with you will seem full of fun and happiness. It will be something he is looking forward to.
He will see how other people look at you and react to you. Everyone else will tell him how lucky he is to have you and his feelings of happiness with you will be reinforced over and over again and he will be naturally attracted to you and everything you do and he in turn will be a better person for it.
Marriage should be full of fun and happiness. You don't want to look back on it and think "If I could only do it again."
==>> Bellaisa is an advocate for happy and stable relationships with yourself and with others and she has put together a site that has tips, articles, and resources for every stage of relationships called The Relationship Circle.
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