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As a woman who was sexually abused in her own home at a very young age, I have struggled a lot with sexual impurity and guilt that my mind fantasizes about my current Christian boyfriend. Long before I met my boyfriend, I went to counseling for years (because of the abuse) and now am a mental health professional.
Yet, I know from my professional background that in spite of all my healing, there are just some changes in my brain and my chemistry from childhood that just make me a more sexual person than I otherwise would have been. I was tired of the guilt and just spoke to my boyfriend about my sexual feelings fantasies and he told me he has similar fantasies. We prayed together that God would help us remain in control of ourselves and our sexual urges because we want to save sex for marriage. We also set up rules for ourselves that would keep us from getting into situations that would give us means and opportunity (because the motive - temptation - is there).
Everyone's different, so details of this are micromanagement, but I think every couple that is dating exclusively (especially Christian couples) should have a sex talk, and share what their insights are as far as setting up fences long before the cliff as not to tip toe until over the edge. When a Christian single girl learns over time to trust a man that is willing to work with her for the sake of putting Christ first in the relationship (e.g., above sexual feelings and impulses), she is much more free to experience herself and her man as who they fully are, relaxing and knowing that he does not intend to pressure her into sex, either directly or just by exploring her with his hands in ways that tempt her.
For Christian single women, when we deeply connect with a man on other levels (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) we feel a strong need (our own yearning) and obligation (to please) to reciprocate, sexually. Our temptation is to use sex to get more love (remember how much we women romanticize) from a man and validate the love we are already feeling from him.
As leaders, Christian men can reassure us of their love, commitment, and devotion that will not fade when we choose not to go all the way during temptation. That is, the world tells we women if we don't have sex with a man, we'll lose him to someone else who will, or that we owe men sex in return for pursuing us and sweeping us off our feet. It's a crock (if the men are decent and worth being with anyway), but some of it sinks in now and then.
>> Christian Dating and Single Christians
No matter what anybody might say, nobody wants to be alone in life. It seems that everybody is searching for love and companionship but nobody knows quite where to look. Although there are local matchmaking services that can allow you to meet new people, they are often limited to your specific area. If you are a Christian looking for other Christians to date, you may not find people who share your morals. This can get frustrating because you don't want to compromise your own morals just to have a relationship.
Luckily for you, there is a new craze going on that can help you find many single Christians in your area and even a bit farther away. Online Christian Dating is a fantastic way to seek out Christian singles. Unlike singles groups, and local matchmakers that are confined to a small area, online dating is world wide. Just think, your perfect match could be out there somewhere just waiting to meet you and with online dating this is made possible!
There are many sites available to you, and you will be able to find Christian singles in your age group from all around the world. You can find companionship through these websites, and you may even find yourself falling in love and getting married. These online Christian dating services are easy and fun to use, and you have nothing to lose. So what are you waiting for? Sign yourself up with one of these dating sites today and start meeting other Christian singles now! True love is out there waiting for you.
>> Christian Dating and Guilt
Many Christians walk around with this heavy burden of guilt because they are allowing sexual impurity in their dating lives. I know I am speaking to some who are weary (hey, I've been there, done that) of all the double-mindedness, but can't quite get up the strength to turn around. So they live with guilt like a millstone tied around their necks, and it's chokng every bit of spiritual joy out their lives. Sound vaguely familiar?
Other takes on dealing with guilt in dating relationships include:
* Remaining in a relationship include remaining in a liaison that you know you should have never entered in the first place. For example, Dating an unbeliever and all that goes along with that.
* Remaining in a relationship for all the wrong reasons such as convenience or fear over how the other person may react to the news that you're breaking up with them.
> Dealing With the Guilt of Being Single.
Much of this guilt is hoisted upon us by those misguided but well meaning friends, family and church members who insist on wanting to to know why we (The great catches that we are!) are still single after all these years.
Not a few singles have gotten quite pissed off at others for pointing out their continued single state. For this reason, many singles avoid church events that are flush with married couples, and holiday celebrations where the topic will most likely come up.
> Dealing With Guilt as a Single Parent.
In the US alone, there are 13 million single parents living with their children. Many of these are Christian single parents who deal with guilt in so many different areas of their lives:
* Guilt over getting a divorce or having a child out of wedlock
* Guilt over not being able to provide better for the children
* Guilt over even taking a few hours away from the children to go on a date. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. There are many other potential areas a single parent dating may be be tempted to feel guilty.
What should a single person do with these guilty feeling? We recommend two avenues: Pray to the Lord for deliverance from sin and any false guilt, and join a single group where you can honestly discuss your feeling with other singles going through similar circumstances. You will find doing these things will eleviate much of your guilt.
>> Finding a Good Christian Boyfriend or Girlfriend
> 1. Jesus is the most important person in their lives. Remember, if a Christian girlfriend or boyfriend loves the Lord above all, she or he will also be able to love you with more passion and purity.
> 2. They have a network of loving relationships. Jesus said we can identify people by the fruit of their lives. If your prospective Christian boyfriend or girlfriend has had dysfunctional or unloving relationships with most of the closest people around him (ie: parents, friend, ex-girlfriends, etc), what makes you think that your dating relationship will fare any better? Conversely, if the have great relationships already formed, you pretty much know you are dealing with the caring person capable of commitment and intimacy.
> 3. They speak the truth in love. Many of us have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with boyfriends or girlfriends who are liars and cheaters. As we wrote elsewhere, the ideal soul mate will be be able to lovingly express the truth to you, even when it hurts.
> 4. They don't hold grudges. 1Corinthians 13:5 states love keeps no record of wrong. Fact is, we're all gonna be needing forgiveness now and again in all our relationships. If your Christian boyfriend or girlfriend finds it hard to show forgiveness, and keep harping on wrongs done, chances are this is not the dating match for you.
> 5. They love are faith-filled optimists and love having fun. Did you ever notice how contagious light-hearted people are? Life is hard at times, but hanging around a Christian boyfriend or girlfriend who empathizes the positive goes a long way.
>> Christian Dating Relationships
Going through a difficult time, or have been a difficult time with your Christian dating relationship? Just because both parties are Christian does not mean that a relationship is safe from dissolving. That's why the following dating tips may help you save either your present dating relationship, or the next one you get into:
1. Keep the lines of communication open. This means never saying goodbye when you are angry or have or unsettled issues that you know you need to discuss or they will will fester in each other's hearts.
2. Remember: To err is human but to forgive is divine. Forgiving your date as the Scriptures say "can cover a multitude of sins".
3. 1 Corinthians 13 says love believes all things. In a dating relationship this means trusting your partner when he or she says something to you. Trust
4. Don't be scared to express your feeling and be vulnerable with your Christian date. Vulnerability encourages intimacy.
5. Honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to enjoying a long lasting dating relationship..One lie can destroy all the trust you have built up in a dating relationship.
6. Praying together often really does help couples and families stay together. Don't under-estimate the power of prayer to heal relationship wounds.
7. Get sound Christian counseling from a respected leader in your church on how you can improve your relationship.
Overall, if you are struggling in your present relationship, or are simply looking forward to having a positive and enduring Christian dating experience in the future that may even lead to marriage, the above dating advice can go a long way toward helping you achieve those goals.
>> How to Find a Christian Girlfriend
Many Christian guys write us asking advice on how they can find a girlfriend. Most say they can't find Christian girl because there are simply not enough of them to go around at church or the in area they hang out.
Our dating advice is this: If you have exhausted traditional ways in your quest to find a girlfriend, why nor try an online Christian dating service? After all, thousands each year find a girlfriend and potential mate in this way.
> Know What You Are Looking For.
It's great that you want to try to find a girlfriend online. But if you don't have an idea of the kind of person it is you want to meet, how will ever be successful?
> Understand the Difference Between Good and Bad.
Yeah, there ARE a lot of bad dating sites out there. So if you want to be a satisfied customer, become an educated customer. Understanding the qualities of what makes a good dating site.
> Learn How to Use Online Sites.
If you want to find a girlfriend online, you also need to know how to use the services. There are some guys who have failed with online dating because they never took the time to learn. It's like having a great powerful racing car, but not being able to drive it because you don't know how to shift gears. Was that a lame analogy? I suppose you get the point.
The absolute best way to learn the ropes of online dating is to join a couple of the free trial dating services, and poke around their sites. Afterwards, you can pick out the one that suits you best.
> Ask the Girl Out.
This is where many seeking to find a girlfriend falter, but reading some dating advice on how to find a date may help you on your way. Google 'find a girlfriend" and take all the advice in.
>> Christian Dating Service Use Rising!
Christian dating services are popping up all over the internet for the simple reason that each year, the percentage of singles using these sites keeps increasing. What's the reason for the rise in use of Christian dating services? The answer is really simple: Many Christian singles are meeting their dating matches online.
There are many benefits of using Christian dating services. Here are just a few:
**> Christian Dating Service Use Give You More Choices
Don't laugh, but one person I know compares going to a Christian dating site to taking a trip to Haagen-Daz or Baskin Robbins: You have your choice of almost any flavour you wish. Yummy!
Seriously, though, due to the large number of single women and men using Christian dating services, a single Christian has a much larger number of potential dates and mates from which to make a choice.
**> A Christian Dating Service Allows Targeted Searches
Somewhat related to the ice cream analogy (by the way, Mint-Chocolate-Chip is my favourite; oh wait, or is it Chocolate-Chip-Mint?), the large search databases of some dating online sites like Christian Mingle, now Relationships.com allows Christians dating online to "put in their order" using such variables as age, denomination, vocation, race, appearance and the local area of where one wants to find potential soulmates. Best of all, your potential dating match is also looking for the same thing.
**> Joining a Christian Dating Service Saves Time
A Christian dating service can save time for busy singles (like Christian single parents, etc) who don't have the time or energy to find a date in more traditional ways. Single Christians who turn to a Christian dating service have the convenience of meeting someone out of the comfort of their own homes, 24/7.
And let's be real, with the average size of the typical evangelical church hovering at around 90 souls, the pickin's are generally slim at best. And how much time have you spent primping yourself to go out to singles activities only to be disappointed at the close of the evening?
**> A Christian Dating Service Develops Communication Skills in Daters
Speaking with other single people on a Christian dating service helps you hone your conversational skills. It's also an excellent chance to express true thoughts via Christian chatrooms, email and instant messaging, without feeling awkward as one could in person. By the time the Christian dating site couple finally does meet, they will be much more comfortable with each other, having laid down a strong emotional foundation.
Recently, I read some of the romantic letters President John Adams wrote his wife, Abigail. when they were separated by 100s of miles. In those days there were no telephones, and pony-delivered mail took days to get to its destination. But oh, the beauty, passion and depth of those letters! Okay, we're not in Colonial America, and I may be a romantic idealist, but communicating through an online Christian dating site can help singles experience a little of this magic.
**> Christian Dating Online Saves You Money
If you're cheap like me, you're gonna love this! Almost every Christian dating site on the web offers free trial memberships to to get a taste for what each offers. However, for full membership services most Christian dating site hubs charge between $15 and $30 US dollars per month.
That might seem like a lot of money until you figure how much time and money you may spend traveling to singles activities, paying entrance fees, buying food, and so forth. Overall, if you are using a good Christian dating service, it is much more economical in the long run than traditional ways of finding a date.
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>> Christian Relationship Advice - How to Deal with Jealousy in Dating
According to a North American survey of marriage counselors, 33% of all couples in marriage counseling have jealousy problems as a root issue. Since jealousy is a univesral emotion, I suspect European, Asian, African, South American Asian couples have similar dealings with jealousy.
Among Christian single couples, jealousy affects both traditional dating and courtship love relationships.
Just what does it mean to be jealous? Webster's Dictionary rightly defines jealousy as a "fearfulness or wariness of being replaced by a rival." In a dating or romantic relationship, this means the jealous girlfriend or jealous guy suspects there is a rival for the affection or attention of their partner. The object of the dater's jealousy could be an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, (the most frequent complaint) or other things such as the person's children, job or even the family dog. (Don't laugh about the dog, I once had a Family Court case related to this issue)
The problem with jealousy is that there are several kinds, which can get a little confusing. For example, there is God's jealousy (Exodus 20:5), which is always holy, just, and desirous of others' wellbeing. Then there is human jealousy, which often ends with disasterous results. Solomon writes of this kind in Song of Songs: "Jealousy is as cruel as the grave" (Sgs 8:6).
As sinners, we all need to learn how to cope with the human kind of jealousy, whether we experience it in our own hearts, or have others being jealous of us.
Most singles are able to control the acting out their jealous impulses. However, overcoming jealousy for others is almost impossible without God's help. This form of jealousy is pathological, and could lead to the crimes of passion we often read about in the newspapers, or see in movies.
As a single Christian seeking true love in a relationship, it's very important for your own dating safety to know some "red flag" signs of a pathologically jealous person.
> Red Flags of Jealousy Out of Control.
* The dating or courtship partner continually accuses the other of being unfaithful when there is no basis for him or her to think this way.
* The jealous person checks phone bills, emails or the cell phone directory to check the partner's records of communication. They may even forbid their romantic partner to speak with certain members of the opposite sex.
* The jealous dating partner forbids (ie: orders) the other single dater what he or she can and cannot wear in public.
* The person with jealousy issues may go through the personal belongings of the other party looking for "evidence" of unfaithfulness
* The person with out-of-control jealousy may follow, or have one of their friends follow the other person to make sure they are being faithful. In extreme cases they may even 'bug" the home using electronic equipment.
* The jealous party will keep tabs on their date by calling them constantly throughout the day. They may give an excuse ("I just missed you") as to why they are calling so frequently, but in fact are distrustful of them.
* The jealous person may want to be with the other person 24/7, and if the other single resists, there may be a physcial or emotional outburst.
* The jealous dating partner forces the other to give account of all their free time away from them.
* The person with pathological jealousy may threaten to do physical harm to themselves or to their dating partner.
If you are a single Christian in any kind dating relationship where one or more of the above jealousy red flags exist, we recommend:
1. Lovingly communicating to your friend that they need professional help.
2. Consider getting out of the relationship as soon as you can to ensure your own safety. While you may be tempted to stay in an effort to change them, or the jealous partner may make an emotional promise of change, please don't give in.
Overcoming Jealousy
Overcoming jealousy will be easier if you understand its origin. Ask yourself: "Do my feelings have a basis in fact (the behavior of the dating partner), or are they coming from my own insecurity?"
If there is actually something the other party is doing that is inciting you to be jealous, have a heart to heart discussion with them. Often, an honest exchange of feelings will solve the problem.
Understand that your jealous behavior may actually drive away your date, the very thing you feared might happen
Admit you have a problem and seek guidance from trusted freinds who know your situation, and/or an understanding Christian counselor or minister.
- David Butler, the author of this article, has worked in Family Court as a mediator and parent education teacher. A Christian minister to singles, he also has several web sites. To read more of his articles and go to his Website: a Christian businessman and church planter - has several web sites, Oasis Church and Christian Singles Dating
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