"Is he ready for real commitment? Is he ready to love?"

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Assessing the Guy's Long-term Potential on a Date: 

These are tried and true. I have listened to hundreds of women talk about their dating experiences and horrors and when you've heard that many, you can see patterns.

One mistake many women make is to get into wishful thinking and give the guy too many second chances. Any guy who's mature enough to be dating, and emotionally intelligent enough to be emotionally available for a relationship (not just a booty call) should have certain things mastered. There are no excuses, and no exceptions.

No, you don't want to excuse him because he's (1) tired, (2) been hurt, (3) newly divorced, (4) awful cute, (5) very sexy, or (6) anything else.

If you hear bad noises at the beginning of the ride, it is only going to get worse. It's like hearing a rattle in the engine, and then 3 months later the transmission drops. Pay attention to those early warning signs.

Build up enough bad experiences and it can sour you. Who needs it? In emotional intelligence, we talk about "what fires together wires together." This is about brain science. If you have 3 relationships where it goes bad, those wires tend to get hooked together, and it means more will come. So take care of yourself. Wire up good experiences!

Here are some things to watch out for:

1. Not being mature about sex.

The big question is when, and that's a personal matter. If he doesn't respect your wishes, he isn't mature enough to be in a relationship, or isn't really interested in one. In other words, if it seems like that's all he's interested in, that's all he's interested in. Make sure you're reading on the same page about the intimacy if you get involved. You don't want it to mean something to you, and mean nothing to him.

2. Ogling other women when with you.

There is simply no excuse for this. It is the poorest of dating etiquette. If he can't control himself to avoid this (I don't care if "that's the way men are"), he doesn't have what it takes to have a relationship.

3. He doesn't seal the deal.

If he is taken with you on the first date, he should ask you for another date, preferably then, or the next day. He should certainly give you evidence that he enjoyed it - a txt msg or phone message the next day. If he waits too much longer, he isn't that interested and he's just calling you because he's found time on his hands, and doesn't know what else to do with himself, or he's ambivalent. What we're looking for here is honest enthusiasm.

4. Don't do that yourself.

Let him do the pursuing. If you enjoyed his company you will have indicated this on the date - it's hard to hide when you're really have a good time. But don't you be the one to txt msg the next day or call. And if he calls or emails, wait a while before you answer. (A man ready for a realtionship, loves the thrill of the hunt. Don't deprive him of this.)

5. Excessive flattery regarding your looks.

It's nice to hear you're beautiful or gorgeous or sexy. Once. Maybe twice. More than that and he's either that shallow, or he's saying what has worked for him in the past to seduce women. He should move rapidly to talking about inner qualities, interesting movies, the scenery, or something of mutual interest. Complimenting you on other qualities is nice, too - like how organized you are, or how well you've thought something through. You aren't just your body and you need to be getting evidence that he knows this. Otherwise, send your boobs to dinner and you stay home.

6. He's not a good conversationalist.

Marriage, I always say, turns out to be an 8-hour car ride with no radio. Hardly likely these days, but you get my point. This includes showing a sense of humor. Conversations need to be guided, and he should be able to do this as well as you can. They should also be give-and-take, with true interest in what the other person is saying. He should not talk AT you or deliver a lecture. This shows ego-centrism, lack of social skills, or both. It won't get any better. Marriage is also that car ride and you get a flat. Watch carefully how he handles little problems (wrong menu item, getting lost) during your date.

7. He talks about his ex, his broken heart and other traumas.

Stringers are usually ambivalent. They've been hurt and the wounds are still running sores. They don't want a relationship, they just want a woman (any woman) to ease the pain. They don't really know what they're doing except for wanting sympathy. If you feel a pull to be his therapist or his mother, or to "fix" him, resist it. If he can't talk about anything else but his sad past and heartbreak, do NOT mistake this for "vulnerability." What he is doing is talking about himself. He is not available and he is also extremely selfish.

8. He has only one functioning "brain."

And you know which one I'm talking about! Look for a man who is interested in relating to you both mentally and emotionally, not just physically.

9. He is too agreeable.

On the other hand, if he agrees with everything you say, he's trying to get you into bed. Easy is sleazy. Look for a man self-confident enough to have opinions (that he knows are opinion, not gospel truth). This applies too, to setting up the next date. If he can't orchestrate this, making the plans and showing initiative, there's something wrong. This is the tricky part if you've been married before, because it is true - once you're married, the woman does all this. But if he's just out of a marriage and still in that mindset, he isn't ready to date. He has to show you he's standing squarely on his own two feet, and willing and able to do the work of dating (i.e., a relationship).

These are just a few tips of what to look for on the first couple of dates that can be helpful.

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Finding a husband at midlife is a challenge. Since people date for different reasons, if you want marriage, you must differentiate yourself, select men accordingly, and behave differently. Some of the problems are that there are more women than men at this age, some men prefer to date younger women, and once they've left the college campus, there's no central watering hole where we know we can find the men.

However, and this is the beginning of your new mind set, the percentage of men suitable for you is probably still the same, and remember - all it takes is one.

Men do like to date younger women, and also move too fast to heal a broken heart, grabbing the first women they can find after a breakup, but, hammered by the 60% failure rate of second marriages, they do learn. So don't rule out the "two-time loser."

Where do you find them? Anywhere and everywhere. Don't concentrate of that, concentrate on knowing what you want and how to be receptive to it, on understanding men, and on the dating-for-marriage rules.

Here's how to make it work for you:

THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

When you were in your 20s, you were sitting in the catbird seat. Men were plentiful and hormone-driven so all you had to do was show up and beat them off with a stick. Being constantly hit on, you probably took it for granted and may even have been a little bored or annoyed.

Remember how this felt and use the information, because that's where men are now. Remember how you longed for a James Bond-type to saunter in and make a sport of it - someone who was sophisticated, self-assured, and in no hurry? Now it's YOUR turn to affect this attitude. Act as if there was an attractive men on every corner, and you had all the time in the world. And if he gives you a sorry line, reply the way Wallis Simpson allegedly did to the heir to the British throne, resulting in her marriage - that every American girl heard that and she would've expected more from the Duke of Windsor..." (You compliment him while making a point.)

Nothing that comes easy is valued and midlife men are spoiled. Spoiled children who get everything they want are bored, don't respect themselves because they can't respect others, and devalue whatever they're given, even as they clamor to receive it. Being told "no" raises the communal self-esteem, and automatically ups the value of the desired object. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION HAS CHANGED THINGS

Not unless you agree to it, and smart women don't. Like your mom used to say, "If Mary Lou sat on a hot stove, would you?" You aren't like everyone else, so don't act like it. To be treated special, you must act as if you expect it. You want this man to marry you, not gratify himself with your body, toy with your affections, waste your time, and break your heart. Granted your sexuality is peaking while his did 30 years ago, but you can wait. Life is about valuing. Gold is valuable because it's scarce. Become valuable by making yourself "scarce." Don't invest time, energy and affection until he's proven worth it. Stick with blue chip stock and leave the junk bonds to Mary Lou.

TAKE A TIP FROM THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY.

It's a constant challenge to make yet another athletic shoe appear strikingly different from all the others on the market, but it can be done, and this is how you want to present yourself.

Study the competition. Find ways to stand out while keeping an air of mystery, allowing space for him to supply his own fantasies.

This doesn't mean abandoning the core you, it just means that until he's proven worthy, you "present." This requires refinement and timing. Entice. Suggest. Hint at. Beckon. Prolong. Tantalize. In other words, FLIRT. This doesn't refer to meanness, or sexual teasing, but rather to subtlety. Too much too soon makes everyone jaded, and this applies to sex, emotional intensity, self-disclosure, wants and needs. The sheer amount of information and "baggage" we've accumulated by midlife - good or bad - would overwhelm anyone in one sitting, so pace yourself.

MIDDLE-AGED MEN ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN SEX / ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN COMPANIONSHIP.

These generalities always apply to some, but not all. Just learn to read the signs and weed them out early. Men who won't commit to the full deal meal:

1.come on too strong too soon (and disappear just as fast) 2.won't let you get to know them 3.use your body parts but aren't good kissers 4.are overly romantic, throwing money at you 5.ogle other women or talk about them in your presence 6.are obsessed with their ex(s) 7.propose in the 3rd email 8.freeze when they start to care 9.are impatient, demanding, petulant, defensive and skittish at the slightest suggestion of what they consider "pressure" 10.seem "too good to be true"

They will also often some right out and say it. While men will make promises they won't keep, when a man says "I don't ever want to be married again," or "I could never be faithful to one woman," believe it. If you get used, it's because you didn't listen.

YOU DON"T KNOW HOW TO CONDUCT YOURSELF. IT'S BEEN YEARS.

Well, smart girl, you've mastered many things in your life, and have resilience and EQ skills to apply. You'll start out stumbling, like a toddler, and then one day you'll be running. Hasn't it always been like that? Get busy learning. In my ebook, "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," I give an extensive list of resources you can start with, with helpful tips and how-tos. Read, look around at what others are doing, talk about it with your friends, and consider hiring a coach. Have your experiences, process them and learn from them. You can't just read and talk about dating, you have to do it. Feedback and encouragement from a coach can greatly shorten the learning curve, and save you some heart-ache.

MIDDLE-AGED MEN ARE TIRED. THEY DON'T PURSUE.

Love is the same at 60 as it is at 26. I've seen men who were despondent depressed find a woman they were attracted to and come to life, losing 30 lbs., getting their act together, and hopping on a plane to fly thousands of miles to get to her. One 60 year old man I talked to had run up a $900 cell phone bill in one month with his new love. Another went back into practice because that's what his True Love wanted. When touched by the divine madness, they behave like hormonal 18 year olds. If you believe in nothing else, believe in love!

THEY DON'T REACT TO 'COMPETITION' LIKE THEY USED TO.

Yes they do. It's true, he's got to be attracted to you first, but after that, it's the same dynamics. If you fall too fast - or rather if you SHOW that you have -- you don't allow him to rev up his engine. Give him time and peak his interest by being a bit mysterious and not too easy to get to, having confidence and good social skills, being attractive physically, mentally and emotionally, showing that you appreciate men, and most of all by acting like a female, not a CEO, a mother, a school m'arm, or a therapist. And be seen with men. Men compete against other men, so date.

IT'S A GAME, SO PLAY!

When you've suffered a loss, or been hurt, you can forget that love is supposed to feel good and dating is supposed to be fun. Remember, to paraphrase a quote allegedly from Mark Twain - love like you've never been hurt and date like no one's watching. He's looking for you just as hard as you're looking for him, and he's also hoping you'll make the courting a great experience for him, so don't let him down!

>> Dating? Be Wiser, Not Sadder but Wiser. 

Shelly's been divorced for several years and finally in the mood to start dating again. Like most women, she took a long time for her broken heart to heal. She waited until her every thought wasn't about her lost love. She lived with the pain, knowing that she wasn't ready for a new relationship because she wasn't emotionally available and had nothing to give. The few dates she had were disasters - everything reminded her of her ex or made her anxious - so she took a time out.

She got busy doing other things. She made a life with her children, poured herself into her job and volunteer work.

One day she realized there was something missing in her life, and that dating sounded good. She was ready for a new relationship. She had ignored herself and her needs for long enough, and was hungry for the love and attention of a man. She had a lot to give.

So what does she find when she steps out into the dating world in earnest?

She finds Anthony. Anthony's separated and has filed for divorce. He's sure he's going to go through with the divorce, is excruciatingly lonely, and in extreme pain, so, like most men, he's going to make the pain go away as fast as he can, by finding the love of another woman.

It doesn't matter a whole lot to Bill who the woman is, just as long as it's now. While not exactly mindful about it, a nurturing, motherly type would be nice, someone who'll take care of him and not cause him a lot of "trouble."

So we have a woman who's waited too long, and has a lot to give, and a man who hasn't waited long enough, who wants to be given a lot.

Pain and suffering. They're a part of life we don't like to think about, don't like to see others have, and don't like to have ourselves. Breaking up with someone we love is so hard on us, it's almost incomprehensible that in the US the first-marriage divorce rate is 50%; the second-marriage divorce rate, 60%; and the third-marriage divorce rate, 70%.

Somebody isn't learning something!

Men react to emotional pain the way they do to most emotions -- as a call to action. If a man loses the love of a woman, he will go out and find the love of another woman. He is not always discriminating about this, nor does he take his time. These transitional relationships usually end abruptly when he does begin to heal, and feels good about himself again.

Women react to emotional pain the way they do to most emotions -- feeling them, dealing with them, turning to work and service to others and being reluctant to get involved again.

Women feel the feelings. Men solve the problem.

Imagine the futility and pain when the woman who has waited too long hooks up with the man freshly divorced and moving too fast too soon. She is looking for the new true-love of her life. He is looking for a temporary solution to his problem.

This is a common scenario, and not a good one. The love affair can be a heated one, but one destined to abort, abruptly. Either the man begins to regain his equilibrium and self-esteem, and leaves for what to him are greener pastures, or the woman gets tired of giving and not getting, sees through the smoke screen finally, and reluctantly takes her heart elsewhere. Pain, disillusion, guilt, and anger are the results. And lost time.

The solution? Awareness. Communication. Some EQ (emotional intelligence). The man in this scenario is going to be coming forward with both barrels loaded, and that's one sign to look for. Protestations of love, promises of babies, and trips to the Caribbean - too much too soon, too good to be true. Women who've dated men in this shape via the Internet tell me they've been proposed to by the 3rd email. It's heady stuff, and if you've been waiting a long time, hard to resist.

Is this real love? you wonder. Does he mean what he says? How do you judge something like this? Know the scenario, first of all. Then, keep your head about you.

Postponing sex is one good way to keep your head about you. A man who is really interested in a woman for who she is, is more than willing to wait. A man who needs a woman right now, any woman, is not. If that's all he wants and you deny, better to find out sooner than later.

Those wonderful chemicals released in physical intimacy cloud everything and escalate emotions for women. If you're just after a nice affair, then go in with your eyes wide open and hang on to your heart. Those wonderful chemicals are the best antidote in the world for depression, so he's looking.

BTW, according to a recent survey, only 2% of women think sex on the first date is appropriate, and only 20% of men, so if it's suggested, wonder why.

It's highly unlikely someone who has just met you sees the real you and loves you "as you've always wanted to be loved" in the space of a few days. It happens, but I wouldn't count on it.

Protect yourself, and take your time. Good things don't need to be rushed; they tolerate a wait quite well. Listen to what he says in the between-times, and what he does. Obsessing about his ex, being overly demanding, being unable to tolerate arguments, over-reacting to your requests, calling them "demands" and "pressure," and showing ambivalence are all signs that you're going to be the "transitional affair"> If you get emotionally involved, you're going to have your heart served to you on a platter.

This has to be something you do on your own, incidentally. (Coaching is good for objective feedback.) Asking directly won't produce an honest answer, because likely he's driven, in denial, and not able to be honest with himself.

Should you date a man newly-divorced (or separated), I mean for more than idle entertainment? Since so many men rush into the next affair, even the next marriage, it's hard to catch one who's truly ready and emotionally available for a relationship, but it may be worth your time to let some of the adorable newly-divorced (or separated) ones go elsewhere to cut their teeth considering that the second-marriage divorce rate is even higher than the first. If he rushes on to another broken-heart, it doesn't mean you need to!

Keep your smarts about you, and good luck!

>> Who Took the Romance Out of Dating? 

Do you know how to date? I'm not talking about calling up someone and asking them out. I'm talking about really dating. Romancing the other person. Whoever took it out needs to put it back in! We need it.

Dating … we set a date for a doctor's appointment, a tennis game, a court hearing, a wedding. Ah hah! It implies intention; that something important enough is going to happen that you've put in on your calendar, and not just penciled in.

Dating rituals seem to be falling by the wayside, and I'm not sure it's for the best. The purpose of dating hasn't changed, has it? To meet someone of the other sex? Well that's what we say, but we're hoping it will work out, meaning we'll get along, hit it off, become a couple, enjoy time and kisses together, eventually marrying.

It's all about possibility. It's all about mystery. Expectations, met or dashed. Dreams coming true. Love. Romance.

So what are the elements needing to be present?

The first is the time-thing. After all it's datING, meaning it's going to go on for a while. I'm reminded of a conversation I heard between a friend of mine, Carrie, and her younger sister. We were listening to some song on the radio about anticipation … getting faint at the thought of making love with someone, dying of longing, that sort of thing.

"How come that never happened to me?" said Carrie.

"It's because you always jumped right into bed with them," said her older sister.

There's something to be said for letting the tension mount, about letting the other person fantasize for a while.

Meanwhile, build a little illusion. Back in my college days, we actually had co-ed dorms. The guys never saw us with our hair in rollers or without our makeup. They never saw our messy rooms. No, it wasn't realistic, but that's sort of what it's all about … something nearly perfect, something staged, something special.

After all, there's a time to experience your knight in shining armor unshaven, with bad breath, farting under the sheets, but it can wait. You have to fall in love with him before you can tolerate these things!

There's no need to worry about realism showing up. There will always be plenty of floors to mop, dirty diapers to change, and spreadsheets to type. It's the fantasy-moments that are in short supply.

A little illusion is part of it. I don't mean lying about your alcoholism or marital status. I mean making it a little bigger than life. Once you've chosen a good candidate, take the time and effort to make something out of it; this mirrors the energy you'd be willing to put into a commitment, a marriage. Dress up, put on the cologne or after-shave, buy a new pair of shoes. Be on time. It shows you think it's important.

Use your emotional intelligence. Let the anxiety and excitement be a part of it. Don't jump the gun. We want what we can't have. We appreciate what we have to work for. We devalue something that comes easy. We ignore what's plentiful.

Be willing to endure - in fact learn to enjoy - the uneasy feelings. Will he like me as much as I like him? What will she be like in bed? He hasn't called in 2 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes; is it over? Will she go away with me for a weekend if I ask?

Rushing into bed, demanding early commitments, whining for reassurance, and revealing the blemishes before the blushes is wishing it all away. That's why people have affairs after all - for the newness, the intrigue, the mystery, the suspense and the wooing. Buckingham and Clifton call WOOing, Winning Others Over. We act like we don't like it, but there's no greater thrill than working to win someone else over and having a little trouble with it. After all, think about an arranged marriage: "Here, Matthew. Here is your bride." You miss the hunt, but with the hunt comes the uncertainty.

Men need to go through the drill. They need to pursue and be thwarted and then to win. And we women? We need to be courted. Why? Because we're that way.

I was listening to two other dating friends the other day. One of them was in high angst! "He hasn't called this week," Anne was saying. "I'm afraid he's gone back to his ex-wife. I adored him. We had a great time. I hate this. I HATE IT!"

"Enjoy it," said Melanie, who's been married a year now. "It's the good part."

Hundreds of books have been written about dating, and thousands of songs have been written about falling in love. It's a delicious craziness, if done right. We meet, the chemistry good and the magic starts. We put on the rose-colored glasses. Our bodies are pumped full of dopamine, or whatever it is, and we grin, look starry-eyes, love everyone and love life, love ourselves, love … love … love.

Don't get so focused on the goal, you forget to enjoy the process. Yes you will eventually get her to bed. Yes he will eventually marry you. In the meantime, remember some of the fundamentals, and have a good time!

1.Flowers, candy, candles, sunsets - add all the beautiful touches

2.Talk romantic. Read some poetry for some ideas. No woman will complain if you tell her she's always on your mind and in your heart.

3.If you're serious, make it a date, pick her up, be on time, and you pay. If you're not serious, don't call me! Meeting her at the theater, or planning to run into her at the club are NOT the same thing. Going dutch treat signals either friendship, or confusion, which is worse.

4.Give each other small, meaningful gifts. Booking a restaurant just for the two of you and filling the room with fresh roses is for movies. Fortunately most of us can't afford it, because it's "protesting too much." It smacks of low self-esteem. A single red rose, given with confidence and a deep look into her eyes goes a lot further.

5.Be you, but be the best you. Clean up your car, your stinky socks, your language and your behavior. You know what I mean! If not, read Emily Post or get some coaching.

6.Give your date your full attention. There is nothing we crave more. I've asked to be taken home when the guy answered his cell phone at dinner. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has.

7.Use manners. If you're the guy, open the door for her, pull out her chair at the restaurant, hold out your arm and usher her into a room. If you're the woman, let him do this and then show your appreciation.

8.Don't be easy. Don't be easy falling into bed, of course, but also don't be easy about revealing everything about yourself. Allow some mystery and some waiting. It will mean more in the end. We value what is scarce, what is hard to get.

9.If you're a woman, put him through his traces. If you don't expect anything special from him, you won't get it when dating, and it will be worse once you're married. Make it clear nothing about you is to be taken for granted.

10.What shouldn't be taken for granted? Not who you are, that's a constant, but I mean the special things you do to honor someone else. That you open the door for her should never be taken for granted. That you cook a delicious meal at your home and set a romantic table for him is not your "role," it's you being good to him, and should be appreciated.

In sum, it's about time, and art. Take your time, and also take THE time. Time is our scarcest commodity and how you parcel it out shows what you value. Give your time and full attention to all the elements of dating and to the person.

It's an art. Set the stage. You now how when a jeweler wants to sell you a diamond, he carefully takes out a small square of black velvet with a flourish, then places it under beautiful lighting, and gently lays the ring on it? Every gesture, and every part of the presentation is about this is a very valuable thing I am going to show you. I value it and I'm showing you this by how I treat it. Watch me. So don't leave out the flourishes, the special touches, the single rose, the coy peck on the cheek with a promise of more and better to come. Whatever your ultimate goal in dating, make the process long and memorable.

And P.S. Keep it up after your married.

So you've met your true love on www.love.com, you're finding yourself singing "I Love You Through It All" and you're ready for the Big Step. 

When you get ready to dip your toe into the dating waters after having been married for a while, you may be wondering what the rules are.

While some people say "there are no rules" in the game of life, I think it's the opposite. There are always rules, and you have to figure them out as you go along.

There are no rules in the sense that you don't have to follow them, following them doesn't guarantee good results, and they don't apply to everyone.

You can also follow all the rules but personalities and emotions get in the way. For instance in school, you probably learned the unfair fact of life that you could be the best student, but you might not get the best grades if the teacher didn't like you. That's a meta-rule.

Meta-rules are the rules about rules. To say "there are no rules" is a meta-rule.

It will be helpful if you arm yourself with some meta-rules before you begin dating again. Here are a few. There are more in my ebook, "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women."

1.Use good manners. Then no matter what happens, you'll still feel good about yourself.

2.It's frustrating because everyone's in a different stage of recovery and because it's a challenge to meet new people. There will be rejections. Roll with the punches. Everyone else is going through it too.

3.People of the opposite sex have changed since last you dated. If the last time you dated the women were 20, and now they're 40, you'll find they've learned a lot about men and relationships. Expect surprises.

4.All members of the opposite sex are not like the one you just lost or left.

5.There's a lid for every pot. Keep looking.

6.Get clear about what you want, and make sure you're sending out the right signals. (Check with a coach.)

7."I love you" no longer means a commitment. It's said more often, just as hugs between men and women are given more often.

8.People lie, both men and women. This hasn't changed.

9.People also do not always know how they feel nor are they able to express it accurately. Women remain better at it, statistically. It can take a man hours to figure out what he was feeling at the time. If you're a man and want to speed this up and clarify, work with an EQ coach. If you're a woman, give him time.

10.It takes time to get to know someone and trust them. Experience them over time in different situations with different people and pay attention.

11.We "intuit" the meta-rules. The rules that are spoken or written are not always the rules that matter. For instance in grade school we knew the rules, but we knew what teachers enforced them and what teachers didn't. Likewise with midlife dating, it's not always as it first appears. With experience, you'll start to catch on, get better at it, and feel better about it, even if you can't articulate it. That's intuition.

12.There are no mistakes, as long as you're learning and growing.

13.Date with the attitude of having experiences and getting experience, not having success. Success may be a byproduct of the experiences, but getting the experience is the point.

14.Desperation drives it away.

Now you need to get the lay of the land.

1.All-singles affairs aren't the best way to meet potential dates. It's too forced and the male:female ration is always askew. Attend them, but not exclusively.

2.If you're a woman, consider adding Internet dating to your mix. There are more men online than women.

3.Men aren't against marriage. A man who's married once is likely to marry again. It's women who file for divorce 2/3rds of the time.

4.At 50, if you're a woman and want to get married, there are 4 single women for each single man. However, only 8% of women polled by the AARP wanted a spouse, so the odds are better than they appear.

5.For dating, they're less than they appear. 80% of men over 50 say they want to date a younger woman. The older they are, the wider the gap they want.

6.People do differentiate between "dating" and "a partner." The top things they're looking for in both are personality and compatibility. However, when dating, appearance matters more.

7.Introductions from friends and family are the best bet, followed by the workplace, but most people who've dated someone in their office say they won't do it again.

8.Only 2% of women and 20% of men think sex is acceptable on the first date. (AARP)

9.If you get turned down for a date, it isn't you. 9% of seniors say they wouldn't date anyone, any time, under any circumstance.

10.Only when you've gotten over the past and love yourself, are you ready to date and love again.

11.Go slow. The divorce rate for second marriages is 60-70%.

One last thing that hasn't changed: if they don't write, don't call, they just aren't that into you. Sad, but not the end of the world. Put a smile on your face and throw your hat back in the ring. Someone is hoping you'll find them one sweet day!

True love is something else that never changes.

>> FAQs About Internet Dating. 

If you're interested in meeting new people to date, the Internet match services are a great new option. The number of people joining them is staggering.

If you're new to the experience, here's an FAQ for you:

Q: How can I be sure he's not married? How can I be sure she's not a felon? A: The bottom line - there are no guarantees about this or anything else in life. Unfortunately, deceptive people are good at deception and you can't always tell. With time, experience and common sense you can pick up on the "red flags" earlier. In your favor is the fact that people tend to reveal more with the anonymity of the Internet than in real life. From experience, I can tell you it's likely you'll be able to tell by their language and by their questions. They "spill." For tips, email me for my free white paper, "How to Tell if the Man You're Dating is Married."

Q: How can I avoid alcoholics and addicts? A: Again only time will tell, but here's one tip. When the person checks "don't drink", this is a yellow flag, not a green light. Find out WHY they "don't drink".

Q: Do websites screen applicants? A: The good news is that some say they do. The bad news is they do it by requiring all registrants give their social security number. This will limit selection as many good single folks aren't willing to put their social security numbers on the Internet.

Q: There are so many websites. What sites should I register on? A: Use your EQ to make the selection. Intuitively, when you go the site it will appeal to you or not. On one site, people sign in as "SeXy Fox" and "ReadyWillingAndAble". On another, they use their first names, "Sam" or "Martha." Which is the one for you? Are you after a man who leads with "Italian Stallion" or simply uses his name? Is someone who calls himself "C" hiding something or too "closed" for your tastes? The way the sites phrase their questions can alert you to style as well.

Q: What type of person uses these sites? Q: Everyone's using the sites, but it's especially well-suited for introverts. The normal progression is website, to normal email, to telephone calls to meeting in person. Introverts like a slow get-to-know-you. If you like introverts, you'll find more of them on Internet dating sites than in local bars and social groups. Extraverts tend to jump steps in the process. Extraverts you can meet out and about.

Q: I'm sick of men (women) who just want a brief affair. I want marriage. How can I find someone else who wants what I want? A: That's good - know what you want. Some sites let you choose an array of desires from penpals, to friendship, to marriage, so there's one clue. Otherwise, the only way you'll know is to ask and find out.

Q: What kind of questions should I ask? A: Eharmony.com has a long list of pre-selected questions you send back and forth that are good. Each time you have contact with someone and it works out or doesn't, figure out the early clues and save yourself some time. You'll quickly learn that when someone asks you a certain question right-off, they're not the one for you. Their initial choices reveal a lot if you're paying attention.

Q: For example? A: Three leading questions that send off good clear signals are "How do you feel about pre-marital sex?" and "How do you feel about traditional gender roles?" and "Are you willing to relocate?" These give a lot of information about what the person is interested in. Ask yourself these questions, and there's no right or wrong answer, it's simply what you're after: You'll quickly learn when they ask XX question, press the delete button.

Q: How can I maximize safety? A: Exercise normal caution. Some of the sites give you safety rules. Read them. Common sense would tell you to get to know someone before you invite them into your private email or home. When you do agree to meet with someone, make it a public place in the daytime, go in your own car, and let someone else know where you're going. Use the same precautions you would anywhere else.

A: What should I avoid doing? A: That you'll learn through experience, aside from the safety precautions already listed. When something goes poorly, write it down and don't do it again!

Q: Should I try someone who lives far away? A: One of you has to have some money, that's for sure. Most sites let you roam the world for a mate, if you're so-inclined. If you're after long-term commitment, are you willing to relocate? Is he? How are your (plural) finances? LD romances require a lot of money and flexibility. You can easily run up a $700 phone bill in a month before you even get to the plane tickets.

Q: What else should I check for? A: His pace should match yours. Do you like a man who asks permission to call you after 2 months or corresponding, or someone who looks your number up on the Internet and calls you the next day? Do you want someone who tells you right away they're an alcoholic in recovery or have been divorced 3 times or have a $300,000 home in the Bahamas? Their pace of revealing both their strengths and faults should match your tastes. Are they lying? Is she desperate and needy? Only time will tell. Take your time.

Q: What if it doesn't work out when we meet in person? A: Sometimes it won't. If you're mostly motivated by appearance and "chemistry," it can be a shock. Everyone's going to put their best photo on the Internet and some people are more photogenic than others. If you're more after internal qualities, those you will have experienced and they should still be there. Plan your meeting so there's an easy escape-route. If they're in your town and you meet for lunch, how long can an hour be? If you meet in San Francisco for a weekend, even if you don't hit it off for romance, you can still have a good time and part amicably.

Q: Is it just for weirdos? A: Not at all. I know personally people who met and married through an Internet dating service. It's confusing at first but you'll hit the learning curve. Internet dating is a viable option in today's world. There are plenty of good people using the sites. They may live in rural locations, have little time to get out, prefer to get to know someone in writing, or any number of legitimate reasons. If you're serious about dating, why not try all options? Use your head and good luck!

>> How to Plan a Valentine's Party.

First decision: date and time. Your best shot for getting lots of guests is to pick a not-prime time. Try something the Saturday before Valentine's Day, for instance, or Sunday, the day after. Also an off-time, such as brunch of lunch instead of cocktail or evening party. Check to make sure "key players" can come. Also a time when you'll have the week before to do the work.

Guest List Write down whom you want to invite and take a count. This determines everything from cost to venue to refreshments. Where will you have it? Your home? A romantic outdoor patio restaurant? A restaurant with a fireplace and strolling violinist? The rec room at your apartment complex?

If you're going to rent, call ahead and find out how many people they can accommodate, if the place is available that day, how much it will cost, what's included in the rental fee, and what other services are available. If you're renting a place, go there and talk to the catering decorator, walk around and take a tour. Questions will occur to you that might not otherwise:

* Can you bring your own food and drinks? * What about decorating? * Are there separate fees for room rental, security, maintenance, waiters, insurance, etc.? How's the parking and public transportation. This can make a big difference in your guests desire to come, for instance on a rainy night. What's the theme? Well, Valentine's, but romantic? Light-hearted? Formal? Casual? Choose your theme and then plan your tableware, decorations, invitations, party favors, music. Schedule of Party "Events" * Plan a time for mingling, with drinks and hors d'oeuvres before a dinner - that's how people "warm up" * If you're having honorary speeches or some such (20 minutes is plenty of time to allot for this), allow time afterwards, because the conversation will be primed * Provide background music according to the tone of your event - rock band, romantic piano, harp, etc. Now coordinate what you've decided on so far: time, place, theme and cost.

Here are some adjustments you can make:

* Hard liquor, mixed drinks are expensive. If you're having lots of people, switch to beer and wine, or make an alcoholic punch. * To cut costs, try something thematic like a bottle of Valentine wine, that is, from the Valentine Vineyards, in Southern Mendocino County - The labels on the bottle are cool for a Valentine's Party! You can buy party trays at Sam's or at Local Fancy Catering Boutique or you make them. Making them is probably going to cost more than Sam's, but it has it's virtues, Caterers can be very pricey, but then there's no work for you to do. Ordering a decorated cake is a good way to handle dessert for a crowd.

It brings everyone around, is festive, and easy to manage. Music can be live (more expensive) or your radio or CDs (no cost). Will you want a maid? The day before to clean? The day of the party to serve and clean up? Both? (Be sure and check out her uniform. You could provide a cute Valentine's apron for her.) Need a bartender? Also check on his uniform. You don't want any surprises. Arrange for photography - stills, candids, videos, a professional photographer?

Decorations - floral arrangements are the most expensive, but they can sure dress up a table. You can go to a party store and look around according to your theme, if you're going with paper goods. If you have your own china, crystal, etc. start polishing them up. If you want to purchase permanent tableware, visit a store like Tuesday Morning and see what they have. (Tip: Shop right after holidays, buy things on sale, and be ready for the next year.) Elegant Doesn't Have to be More Expensive People instinctively cut back when the goods are pricey, i.e., if you serve Beluga Prime from Caviarteria in New York (price $750/lb.), your guests won't be expecting to make a meal of it, and who can eat more than a dab of caviar anyway?

If you're providing Krug Clos du Menil from Sherry-Lehmann in New York ($1,400 a case), no one's going to be chugalugging it. Tell them it's Kobe beef (up to $500/lb.) and they'll be too horrified to ask for seconds. Make Julia's Child classic chocolate cake, all of 1" high, and one small sliver suffices even the piggiest eater. It's richer even than a Starbuck's brownie. These things titillate your senses other than raw hunger and so are very satisfying in another sort of way.

Have a classic piano in the background, and people naturally move into refined slow-motion. However, if you've got bins of queso dip and tortilla chips, everyone will have that no-holds-barred approach to the buffet table. If JC and the Sunshine Band are cranking it out, well all impulses are on "go"! Brunches are Quite Economical! Call those pancakes crepes - no, really, it's a separate recipe and divine, serve a light fruit punch or Bloody Mary's, some bacon and sausage, a light salad . won't cost much at all. I recommend Julia Child's crepe recipe, and definitely the flaming orange crepes. They nearly put your tongue to sleep, and again, these things are so "rich," no one wants more than a taste.

A little trick thrifty hostesses learn! Entertainment Live entertainment adds a really special note to a home party. Local talent is probably available that isn't expensive. Check with universities, colleges, high schools, and churches - the choral directors, the music or dance department.

Check the yellow pages. There may be several children's dance groups, and they are always charming, because children can do no wrong, entertainment wise. Check the ballet and tap schools and see if you have a boys' choir. Make decisions and book it. Also get a babysitter for the kids - or send them all over to your sister's with a sitter over there. Book your hair and nails.

Send out the invitations. (Want to do something cute online? Try here: www.evite.com . Put all your "details" in a notebook. Start cleaning, cooking ahead, getting glasses out, freezing, and cleaning the farther corners of the house The Little Touches Now have some fun. Look on the Internet for things like Valentine's candles and Valentine's soap for your guest room, and a Valentine's wreath for your door, and maybe a heart-shaped doormat. These are little touches you CAN add, not things you MUST have. If it's in your home, always have something hot to serve that's in the oven as the guests arrive and smells divine.

Tip: Always use candlelight if you can. It hides a multitude of "sins," i.e., dust bunnies and carpet stains, and sets a gentle ambience. If you want a good turnout, do your PR work. Talk up the party with friends as you see them, or give them a call to see if they got their invitation. Drop a hint about the Clos du Menil, or the Big Band. That should get you started.

>> A Dozen Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day If You're Not Part of a Couple. 

When we think of Valentine's Day, we tend to think of two lovers celebrating together. If you aren't paired at this time, don't let yourself get left out! Here are 14 great ways to celebrate Valentine's Day YOUR way.

1. Celebrate with a child!

If you don't have one, borrow one! Invite your niece over for an afternoon of tea with tiaras and tutus, making Valentines, and reading Valentine's books. Got a boy in your life? How about some Uno, slap-jack or Pente, video games and a candle-lit dinner with fondue - to keep those hands busy! Nice red catsup is good enough for the sauce!

2. Give a party at a children's shelter.

The Volunteer Director is trained to help you! Simple refreshments, favors, plan a game, tie-dye t-shirts, crafts, play the piano and sing. It's the thought and the companionship that count. Games? Play musical chairs, tying big red bows to the front of the chairs. Pin the Lips on Ms. Valentine - draw "her" on posterboard - use moving eyes, false eyelashes and pipe cleaners for hair. Put each kid's name on a pair of red lips cut out of construction paper with tape on back. Blindfold them with a Valentine scarf and proceed! Valentine Bingo - make bingo cards with February-theme items: groundhogs, Presidents Lincoln and Washington, candy, hearts, doves, lovers, Valentines, etc. Serve "Love Potion" for the beverage (Hawaiian punch would work).

3. Make it a special day for someone in a retirement or nursing home.

Put on that bright red sweater and your Valentine tie, scarf, or suspenders and head on over! You will be SO WELCOME. Bring along some homemade Ultimate Killer Cookie of All Time. 'All My Lovin'" and other Valentine's braces...

4. Have friends of all ages over for a Valentine's Party.

Sing love songs, watch a video, make an outrageously beautiful buffet spread. Have everyone bring a grab bag gift. Have a poetry contest. Find some Romantic love songs.

Or make it a Romantic Opera Night for special friends and aficionados. German or Italian, make a fitting buffet. Obvious selections would be Wagner's "Tristran and Isolde," or Puccini's "Turandot" or "Madame Butterfly." If you're longing for love, you can't match Isolde, so it gets it all in perspective.

5. Call up your son and daughter-in-law and tell them you're coming for the weekend to take care of the kids so they can go celebrate.

Pack the parents off, and then bake Valentine's cookies with the kids and have a red dinner - red jello hearts, heart-shaped pasta with tomato sauce or heart-shaped pizza, Hawaiian punch and cinnamon hearts in hot cocoa. "Willie Wonka" video, everyone gets in the big bed with Nana, snuggle-time, dogs included. Woo hoo!

6. Celebrate with your animal companion.

There's no more reliable source of love in our lives. Bake some homemade dog biscuits. Take your dog for a special outing, and on the way, drop off your treats at the local animal shelter. Or take your animal companion with you to a nursing home or convalescent center. Many facilities are making this opportunity available for their guests. You can deck your dog, cat, ferret or rabbit in a festive Valentine scarf for the occasion. Valentine's sweaters, vests, ties, bows, boas! And anything else you need for your little furry friend...

7. Enjoy the day helping others.

A local place of worship might be building a house for Habitat or going Valentine caroling at a housing project. If not, why not? If not you, who? Organize something with your civic group, singles group or Sunday School class. If the New York Giants can do it, so can you. They visited patients in Children's Hospital of New York-Presbyterian on Valentine's Day.

8. Book a Valentine cruise on the Costa cruise line and dance the nights away.

Be a gentleman host, or dance with one! Gentlemen dance hosts "work" from 8 pm to 1 am every night, visiting with and dancing with women cruise guests. Great vacation for singles! Gentleman, don't forget your red cummerbund and bowtie.

9. Girls' Day Valentine Brunch.

Go for massages first (try one of those chains w/ a first-time special), then congregate at your house for brunch. Make pancakes and fried eggs shaped like hearts, serve with strawberry or raspberry syrup, fresh strawberries, some nice crisp bacon, strawberry daiquiris and nice hot tea. Yum! Set a terminally romantic buffet table and fill the DR ceiling with pink and/or red helium balloons. Play some Andrea Bocelli in the background. We recommend the "Romanza" CD. Bravo!

10. Check for special events in your town, or get away for the weekend. Bath House Center in Dallas, Texas, has an annual February exhibit called "El Corazon," - interpretations of the human heat by 50 Texas artists. The Detroit Symphony has Chris Botti Valentine, the heart-topping trumpet player who opened for Sting's "Sacred Love" tour. He performs selections from his hit recording When I Fall In Love.  The Plano (Tx.) Symphony Orchestra will celebrate Valentine's Day with the Letterman ("Can't Take My Eyes Off of You," and "Put Your Head on My Shoulder") . Their style is humorous and interactive. Optional dinner prior, and reception following. At the Chicago Lyric Opera? Rigoletto, with Bella Figlia dell'Amore ... what could be better?

11. Try something zany. The Embassy Suites, Richmond, Va. offers the King's Dominion Package - 2-room suite, breakfast, reception, indoor pool and Jacuzzi and 2 adult tickets to go ride that roller coaster! There's more than one way to 'lose your heart' on Valentine's Day.

Or check out the Winter-storm adventure Ancient Cedars Spa, Vancouver Island at the Wickannish Inn, situated on a rocky promontory at the gateway to Pacific Rim National Park Reserve. Watch 20' waves pounding the coast from your room with ocean view, deep soaker tub, fireplace, spa, and epicurean dining. Slickers provided. Bring along some friends, your pet, and/or a good book!

12. Feed your heart and your love of learning! Curl up with a good book. Read a super sappy and sentimental romance, or read about love itself. "A General Theory of Love" is written by three doctors, one of whom writes like a poet...

There are so many ways to make this a special time. Love yourself and make it a great holiday!

>> How Can You Tell if the Guy You're Dating is Married? 

Only about 1% of married men who have affairs leave their wives, and many men cheat on their wives. With the Internet, there's even more chance to be elusive in the early stages.

Of course you're concerned and want to know if that guy you just met who's coming on to you so delightfully is married before you get involved. But how can you be sure he isn't married and just fooling around?

Make no mistake, married men who are fooling around can be wonderfully attentive and romantic. He can be emailing you and calling you on his cell all day long, filling your hungry heart with the wildest affirmations you've ever dreamed of, showering you with gifts, and making rapturous love to you when you get together.

It can be the stuff of which fantasies are made and here's why: to him it IS a fantasy.

If you've experienced it, you'll wonder how a man could do that to his wife. That's a topic for another article. Meanwhile, it's important not to delude yourself.

Here are 10 ways to know he's cheating on his wife:

1.You're suspicious. If you generically suspect every man you meet of this, it's a prejudice and not worth much. However, if you suddenly get suspicious about the individual man you're dealing with, then trust your instincts. Where there's smoke there's fire. 2.His tone of voice gets guarded or he won't make eye contact and is evasive when certain topics come up like family, children, vacations, where he lives, etc.

3.He insists that all contact be on his terms only. He gives some reason why you must only call him at work or on his cell. Disregard the "reason." They can be ingenious about this and if you're love-daffy, you'll find a way to rationalize his particular excuse. Don't. 4.You ask for his home phone number and he refuses to give it to you. Again, disregard the "reason." 5.His heart's not on the line. You sense an imbalance of vulnerability, and this is intuitive. When two available people are dating, both presumably are anxious for it to work out, and are equally at-risk. When you're playing for keeps and he's just playing, he won't care as much about how you're getting along. He has the security of the marriage and nothing to lose but an exciting good time.

6.There's a white line on the fourth finger of his left hand, a tan-line from where his wedding ring usually is, and is not when he's with you. Or there's the outline of a ring in his shirt pocket.

7.He isn't fully disclosing when it would seem appropriate. He alludes to "things he'll tell you about later." 8.He gives strange reasons for not wanting to go to certain places (like your favorite restaurant). You first met him at a dance hall (where he's known and someone might tell his wife) and after that every place he takes you to is in another county. (There's a part of town he definitely avoids. Guess why?)

9.He seems strangely addicted to paying for restaurants, motels, resorts, and airplane tickets in cash rather than by credit card.

10.He is never available on Sundays. In some cultures, and with many men, Saturday night may be Boys Night Out, but Sunday is strictly "family time." Ditto for holidays. This is part of that peculiar male honor code: OK to cheat. But not on July 4th. That's family time.

Your surest guide is your gut instinct. Keep three meta-points in mind.

POINT ONE: What he says and doesn't say. Anything you sense as secretive should set off alarms. Lovers in a developing relationship disclose more as time goes by. The married gigolo discloses up to a point and that's it.

POINT TWO: His "aplomb." No matter how self-confident a man is, if he's available and romancing a woman he cares about, he'll show moments of anxiety and confusion. But a married man who's dating is coasting. With the security of a wife back home, what's to stress over?

POINT THREE: The sex is the best you've ever had. Nothing stokes a man's fire like forbidden love unless it's forbidden love that carries no threat of the "c" word.

Keep your head about you. If you find out he's married and confront him about it and he says he'll divorce her, don't count on it. The odds are strongly against you.

>> Mid-Life and Looking for a Guy? Here's Help.  

Are all the "good ones" married? Are men your age only interested in women 20 years younger? Is it "impossible" to meet men?

Okay, although logic never convinces anyone of anything, let's counter some of these silly ideas.

Yes, many good ones are married, but half of them will be divorced sooner or later.

Some men are interested in women 20 years younger. It rarely works out and some men have to learn this the hard way. You can catch one when he's finally gotten a clue, if you're patient. My friend Sheila did.

Is it impossible to meet men? Only if you're determined it is.

He's looking for you just as hard as you're looking for him, but he's not going to come knock at your door? I know men who've called long-lost loves, sometimes after 40 years. A telephone or email works fine and it can happen. If you heard the stories I hear as a coach, you'd know that anything's possible.

I was in marketing for many years, and it occurred to me that what you need is a marketing plan. If I were marketing an apartment complex, here's what I'd do: Interview the owner to find out what her goals were. Check out the curb appeal. Find out what the amenities were. Do a quick study of the competition. Write up a marketing plan, applying the fundamentals.

Now for the fun part - let's apply this to you and your search for Mr. Right.

WHAT YOU WANT?

What are you looking for in a man? Be specific. Make a list. Actually write it down. When you know what you want, you attract it. Write down the traits, qualities, values, appearance and so forth.

CURB APPEAL

In the apartment industry, "curb appeal" means what the place looks like when you first drive up. So do an honest assessment of your curb appeal - what do they see when they look at you? Sometimes all you get is a first impression.

Do a makeover. If you need to, get a new hairstyle, get in top shape, get your nails done, and take a look at your wardrobe. Men fall in love with their eyes.

Work on your smile and your eye contact. A coach can give you tips on this. You want your inner light to shine. This means you must work on your attitude. Learn some optimism. It can be learned and you don't need a reason. Not only will you feel better, but you'll be more attractive to other people.

THE AMENITIES

At an apartment complex, that's ceiling fans and hot tubs. For you, take a look at what you bring to a relationship. I'm not talking about material things, I'm talking about things that really matter. Make a list of all your good qualities. Zero in on two things that are unique to you and exceptional about you. Keep these in mind and project them.

THERE IS NO COMPETITION

Keep in mind abundance - there's someone for everyone, and the goal is to find a good fit, in which case, it really isn't a competition.

However, if you're a bit rusty, take a look around you when you're out because you want to be current. Make sure your curb appeal is up-to-date.

Watch other women when they're flirting; there's a style to that as well. It will help you get in the zone to watch some women in action. Brush up on your flirting skills. Smile. Catch his eye. Work up some friendly opening lines to have handy.

THE PLAN

You know how they say "multiple income streams"? Well, you're going to need multiple outgoing streams. Your plan is to meet new people. The good thing about this is that you'll collect friends and adventures, maybe even clients or a new job whatever else happens, so none of this is wasted.

Get out, attend, join and participate. If the doors are open, and people will be there, YOU be there. Assuming that you work, you have the noon hour, evenings and weekends.

Now here are some suggestions - and do them ALL:

·Join singles clubs and participate. ·Join and get active in a faith organization ·Go to any event open to the public - chamber of commerce, fundraising, Fun Runs, political, galas. ·Join the online dating services such as eharmony -

- Let your friends and family know that you'd like some introductions to nice single men they know ·Be open to possibilities when you're out at the mall, grocery, and sporting goods store. Pay some visits Home Depot. Look like you're lost, and if you see a cute guy, ask him about torque wrenches.

·Visit art museums, go to the races and sports events. ·Join some sports places. Word has it workout gyms are not a good place to look (for either sex), but someone I know met a great guy when she was taking SCUBA diving lessons. ·Volunteer! And volunteer to do things that put you in a strategic location. My favorites are staffing the nametag table and serving as hostess or greeter. Everybody who enters must pass by me. ·Build a house with Habitat for Humanity. Mid-life guys love manual labor.

·Consider a goofy now-and-then job like doing the food demos in the grocery store on Saturday afternoon. Notwithstanding the silly "hat", you'll be in a prime position to look 'em over and hook 'em in. Or stock books in a bookstore one evening a week if you like guys who read. ·Take your dog walking in different parks, especially Saturday mornings. ·Set up a blog on an interesting topic. Get a free one here: www.blogger.com . ·Guys are physical. Go kayacking, camping out, hiking or bike riding; join a tennis league. ·Hang out at Starbucks on Saturday

So there's your plan. Now approach it with enthusiasm and determination and remember to include all these things in your mix. Good luck!

>> Learning Opera - the Easy Way. 

"Screeching women in helmets" - that's a lot of people's impression of opera. I must admit several years ago I wasn't far from that myself. I'd taken piano for 12 years, and been "exposed" to opera, as my parents called it -- "Madame Butterfly" at a puppet theater, where I was a lot more interested in the buffet. Then my to-be husband took me on our second date to "The Flying Dutchman," but I was a lot more interested in my husband-to-be.

Fast-forward many years and I meet the next husband-to-be, an Italian pianist who can play Rachmaninoff's 3rd, and cut his teeth on opera. I get interested - in both - and start learning.

Here's how:

1. Go to an opera.

An opera is meant to be experienced. The first year I saw "Don Giovanni," "The Magic Flute," The Barber of Seville," and "Turandot" (in Santa Fe!) . It is worth it to save up and see one a year, if you can buy the best seats.

2. Conversely, don't start by reading.

A well-meaning client sent me her college textbook on opera. It was worse than useless. It's like reading a recipe thinking you've had cake, instead of tasting and smelling a freshly baked cake.

3. AUGMENT with tapes, books, research, and like-minded people.

While attending operas, I listened to tapes, and read about the operas and composers. I quickly founded Club Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music and created the website to share the experience. It was a natural since I coach emotional intelligence, and music is so important to our health. My research for the weekly ezine keeps me learning. Membership is international, and has doubled in the past 6 months. (You're invited to join. It's fr**.)

I rummaged in the closet and found an old Verdi VD, bought some Puccini CDs and my sister sent me her used Teaching Company's tape course , "Understanding Opera" with Dr. Robert Greenberg, which is go helpful, I started a second-hand tape store on my website.

4. Italian opera is a good place to start, with Verdi. His work is simple and clear, expresses eternal themes, and has incredible energy. The darling of his nation, and then the world, the man was indomitable. He lost his wife and two babies in the span of a couple of months when he was in his late 20s, and then lived during the Austrian occupation of his homeland. Listen to the resurgent energy in "Va ' Pensiero," from "Nabucco."

Italian opera is all about the aria, the big song and they are short. The orchestra is secondary.

5. Opera 101.

The Great Age of Opera was the 19th century, because of Guiseppe Verdi ("Joe Green"). He was opera and he was Italy. Opera had incredible influence in Europe at that time. "Viva Verdi" became the battle cry of the Italian Risorgimento, befitting his "ardent, inflamed" music. 250,000 people attended his funeral. In 1830, a performance of Auber's opera "La Muette di Portici" in Brussels sparked off the Belgian Revolution. Liszt had followers the way rock stars do today.

Opera is a powerhouse of emotion, the ultimate artistic experience, providing moments you won't experience elsewhere. A top-staged opera is an extravaganza, serving up to us our deepest longings, fears, excitements, sadness, and joy, across all time, across all cultures.

As Wagner said, "['Tristan und Isolde'] speaks not of the passion, love and longing of this or that individual in this or that situation, but of passion, love and longing in themselves." (Prepare to ache.)

6. Work up to Wagner.

German opera is Wagner, that incomparable genius who composed his own lyrics as well as music. (Other composers had librettists write the words.) Wagner's operas are so dense they're almost ordeals, for singers and audience alike. In German opera, the orchestra figures as prominently, or moreso, than the arias (which are LONG).

7. There is no language problem.

It actually helps that operas aren't in English. Opera is the music, the words are secondary (just like in real life). You'll get translations at the opera, and can read librettos on the Internet. Be prepared for stories that sound silly or make no sense. Your senses will 'get' the story - through the music.

8. www.allclassical.org

A Club Vivo Per Lei member clued me in to this all classical station on the internet. Then I re-discovered my local classical radio station. I keep a piece of paper and pen handy to write down what I'm hearing when they announce it, so if I like it I'll know the name.

This, in turn, brought full operas - Saturdays at noon and Tuesday nights. The first one I listened to was Wagner. Don't start with Wagner. It's something to work up to - well worth it, but also worth waiting for. Wagner considered Tristan und Isolde to be "the crowning achievement of all time," and he could well be right.

9. Watch operas in your sweats at home.

Videos and movies, of course, but also these treasures I discovered on the internet.

You don' t have to dress that much for opera any more, unless you want to, but still you have to put on underwear and get out. Besides they're expensive. Take it easy, and start with these selections. You get to see the great names, in their primes. After you've watched these, you'll have sampled:

German Opera - Richard Wagner - The Mastersinger, The Flying Dutchman Italian Opera - Verdi's Rigoletto and La Traviata; Puccini's La Boheme and Turandot; Giordano's Andrea Chenier; and Rossini's Il Barbiere di Seviglia.

Male singers: Caruso, Mario Lanza, Pavarotti, Robert Merrill, Franco Corelli, Tito Gobbi, Richard Tucker, Jussi Bjorling, Jose Carrera and Placido Domingo.

Women: Maria Callas, Roberta Peters, Renata Tibaldi, Lori Decter, Birgit Nillson, and Jessye Norman.

The inspiration for this beautiful music? Emotions, yes, and the words of poets - that was the precise moment when the stars began to shine ("e lucevan le stele"). We include all the arts in our emotional intelligence program, so stay tuned.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc/. Susan Dunn offers coaching, internet courses, business programs, and ebooks. She trains and certifies coaches. She is the author of numerous ebooks, including "Midlife Dating Survival for Women" - and serves as a self-help expert on a major website.  Susan is also the author of "RE(de)FINE YOURSELF" about bringing the refinement, finesse, meaning and culture into your life you see in those you most admire ... and never realized was something.  Coaching, Internet courses, and ebooks for your personal and professional success. "I train and certify EQ coaches." Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Email for fr** EQ ezine.  Go to Web Site Map 

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